Anywhere but there
Jan. 20th, 2008 09:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danalwynThe annual survey of the worst cities to live in, by region, came out this week. There weren't many surprises, I have to say, everything was basically the same as last year:
Worst city in the Western US: San Francisco
Worst city in North America: New York
Worst city in the World: Tokyo
Now, I don't always agree with the ratings. I think San Francisco is worse than New York, since SF's problems tend to be internal, and NY's problems tend to be external, and I think internal problems are worse. Also, San Francisco has worse hours, and tends to be more crowded.
But everybody agrees, hands down, that Tokyo is the worst city to live in in the entire world.
Nobody knows what it is about Tokyo that makes it so horrible. Maybe it's the fact the Japanese are so...strange. Maybe it was centuries of isolation, followed by the weight of the twentieth century crashing in on them all at once. Maybe it's some leftover from World War II, or from the shattered hopes and dreams of a nation's people. It could just be the density, all those people crammed into not all that much space, the way they struggle just to stay alive in a vast, uncaring city.
Whatever the reason, Tokyo is just weird. It has those vending machines that we don't talk about, those cramped streets that you can barely fit a bicycle down, and the five-hundred twenty-two square miles of dead corridors, one-way doors, battered offices, and three-way landings that make up the Tokyo Tower Worldgate Complex, a breeding ground for extra-planar invasions that just happens to be the most dangerous piece of real estate on Earth.
It will hardly surprise the astute observer to realize that, as pressed as the Tokyo bureau is, they don't take chances keeping people who have already experienced one breakdown in the office. Rather they encourage them to take up another career, and many of them go on to have a long and fruitful life in Japan's booming manga and anime business. This explains a great many things.
Anyway, none of this probably interests you, but I will tell you the top reasons why living in Tokyo sucks:
1) They have tentacle monsters: Real tentacle monsters, which do enjoy grabbing onto women as much as they enjoy grabbing onto men. However, real tentacle monsters don't bother with the orifice thingy, they just rip you into approximately equally sized parts, usually at a high enough rate that a sewing kit becomes useless, and they have to glue you back together.
2) So many demons, so little time: Every major city has, as a joke, one of those displays, the kind you see in workplaces under the heading "____ days without a workplace injury", except these say "_____ days without a demon invasion" (San Francisco has one that's permanently stuck on 12, because in 1985 they got a series of demon invasions 13 days apart. They eventually gave up and left the calendar on 12 days, and they managed to avoid the next one. They haven't changed it since out of fear). Tokyo does not have a calendar; they have a stopwatch. It's the only city in the world where, if you are ordered to help suppress a demonic attack, you have to ask them to clarify which demonic attack you're supposed to stop.
3) I have never heard of this...vacation...of which you speak: You cannot go on vacation in Tokyo. The word does not exist in their language. Or, more properly, they have the right to draft anyone in city limits (and those limits are quite elastic) in case of an emergency. And Tokyo's been in a state of emergency since 1952. Nobody gets any vacation in Tokyo. Even landing at Narita makes you subject to having to take a bus downtown and deal with some sort of goth outbreak.
4) The 40-meter nuke rule: Tokyo allows you to use low-level tactical nukes on anything longer than 40-meters. This occasionally leads to carnage that has to be retconned away by skilled temporal mages after the fact. It also leads to problem 5, below.
5) Godzilla: What happens when you nuke a large dragon? You get a large, radioactive dragon. A large, pissed, radioactive dragon. With the intellect and natural impulses of the original Hulk. Not one of their brighter moments.
6) Chermoai: Tokyo is the closest place on Earth to the Chermoai plane, and the subsequent Chermoai homeworld. This is where Gothic Lolita comes from. I refuse to say anything else regarding this subject.
7) Your Tax Dollars at Work: Sometimes the giant anti-orbit laser platform on the Tokyo Metro Government building misfires and accidentally wastes part of the city. Yes, there is a giant anti-orbital laser on the TMG building. I could not make this shit up if I tried.
8) Capitalism is Evil: 93% of all corporate executives in Tokyo are cerebrally programmed clones, designed to put the city's financial world under the control of a panel of shadowy figures. Unfortunately, there are so many cabals that nobody really knows who controls who, even the people who are nominally in control. Where some countries are secret fiefs of an international conspiracy, Tokyo is a secret anarchy.
9) Vending Machines that sell Everything: Every city has at least one store that sells Everything, but Tokyo has refined it down to vending machines. At several points around the city you can, if you imput the proper code, purchase everything from candy bars to automatic weapons, nuclear detonators, and the still-beating heart of an infant child (Yes, I do know why it can still be beating, and no, I'm not going to tell you).
10) Teenage Mind Control: Most mobs of Tokyo teenagers are under the control of powerful mind-control devices or enchantments, designed to turn them into the shock troops of the New Order when it rises. Unfortunately, as with the cabals, there are too many New Orders for control to be uniform. As a result, teenagers may react unpredictably, and venturing into Tokyo while teenaged is extremely advised against.
11) Exhaust fumes: The entire city sometimes is awash in the fumes of the spaceship in Mount Fuji that the government built in case they ever have to evacuate the country. Apparently they did not make it in accordance with the emissions standards they apply to their cars.
12) No Vampires: There are no vampires in the entire city of Tokyo. Do you know why this is? Because when the western vampire tribes tried to set up a colony in Tokyo, the locals killed them. Then they ate them. This should tell you something.
So there it is, Tokyo in a nutshell. The more you know, the less you go.
Worst city in the Western US: San Francisco
Worst city in North America: New York
Worst city in the World: Tokyo
Now, I don't always agree with the ratings. I think San Francisco is worse than New York, since SF's problems tend to be internal, and NY's problems tend to be external, and I think internal problems are worse. Also, San Francisco has worse hours, and tends to be more crowded.
But everybody agrees, hands down, that Tokyo is the worst city to live in in the entire world.
Nobody knows what it is about Tokyo that makes it so horrible. Maybe it's the fact the Japanese are so...strange. Maybe it was centuries of isolation, followed by the weight of the twentieth century crashing in on them all at once. Maybe it's some leftover from World War II, or from the shattered hopes and dreams of a nation's people. It could just be the density, all those people crammed into not all that much space, the way they struggle just to stay alive in a vast, uncaring city.
Whatever the reason, Tokyo is just weird. It has those vending machines that we don't talk about, those cramped streets that you can barely fit a bicycle down, and the five-hundred twenty-two square miles of dead corridors, one-way doors, battered offices, and three-way landings that make up the Tokyo Tower Worldgate Complex, a breeding ground for extra-planar invasions that just happens to be the most dangerous piece of real estate on Earth.
It will hardly surprise the astute observer to realize that, as pressed as the Tokyo bureau is, they don't take chances keeping people who have already experienced one breakdown in the office. Rather they encourage them to take up another career, and many of them go on to have a long and fruitful life in Japan's booming manga and anime business. This explains a great many things.
Anyway, none of this probably interests you, but I will tell you the top reasons why living in Tokyo sucks:
1) They have tentacle monsters: Real tentacle monsters, which do enjoy grabbing onto women as much as they enjoy grabbing onto men. However, real tentacle monsters don't bother with the orifice thingy, they just rip you into approximately equally sized parts, usually at a high enough rate that a sewing kit becomes useless, and they have to glue you back together.
2) So many demons, so little time: Every major city has, as a joke, one of those displays, the kind you see in workplaces under the heading "____ days without a workplace injury", except these say "_____ days without a demon invasion" (San Francisco has one that's permanently stuck on 12, because in 1985 they got a series of demon invasions 13 days apart. They eventually gave up and left the calendar on 12 days, and they managed to avoid the next one. They haven't changed it since out of fear). Tokyo does not have a calendar; they have a stopwatch. It's the only city in the world where, if you are ordered to help suppress a demonic attack, you have to ask them to clarify which demonic attack you're supposed to stop.
3) I have never heard of this...vacation...of which you speak: You cannot go on vacation in Tokyo. The word does not exist in their language. Or, more properly, they have the right to draft anyone in city limits (and those limits are quite elastic) in case of an emergency. And Tokyo's been in a state of emergency since 1952. Nobody gets any vacation in Tokyo. Even landing at Narita makes you subject to having to take a bus downtown and deal with some sort of goth outbreak.
4) The 40-meter nuke rule: Tokyo allows you to use low-level tactical nukes on anything longer than 40-meters. This occasionally leads to carnage that has to be retconned away by skilled temporal mages after the fact. It also leads to problem 5, below.
5) Godzilla: What happens when you nuke a large dragon? You get a large, radioactive dragon. A large, pissed, radioactive dragon. With the intellect and natural impulses of the original Hulk. Not one of their brighter moments.
6) Chermoai: Tokyo is the closest place on Earth to the Chermoai plane, and the subsequent Chermoai homeworld. This is where Gothic Lolita comes from. I refuse to say anything else regarding this subject.
7) Your Tax Dollars at Work: Sometimes the giant anti-orbit laser platform on the Tokyo Metro Government building misfires and accidentally wastes part of the city. Yes, there is a giant anti-orbital laser on the TMG building. I could not make this shit up if I tried.
8) Capitalism is Evil: 93% of all corporate executives in Tokyo are cerebrally programmed clones, designed to put the city's financial world under the control of a panel of shadowy figures. Unfortunately, there are so many cabals that nobody really knows who controls who, even the people who are nominally in control. Where some countries are secret fiefs of an international conspiracy, Tokyo is a secret anarchy.
9) Vending Machines that sell Everything: Every city has at least one store that sells Everything, but Tokyo has refined it down to vending machines. At several points around the city you can, if you imput the proper code, purchase everything from candy bars to automatic weapons, nuclear detonators, and the still-beating heart of an infant child (Yes, I do know why it can still be beating, and no, I'm not going to tell you).
10) Teenage Mind Control: Most mobs of Tokyo teenagers are under the control of powerful mind-control devices or enchantments, designed to turn them into the shock troops of the New Order when it rises. Unfortunately, as with the cabals, there are too many New Orders for control to be uniform. As a result, teenagers may react unpredictably, and venturing into Tokyo while teenaged is extremely advised against.
11) Exhaust fumes: The entire city sometimes is awash in the fumes of the spaceship in Mount Fuji that the government built in case they ever have to evacuate the country. Apparently they did not make it in accordance with the emissions standards they apply to their cars.
12) No Vampires: There are no vampires in the entire city of Tokyo. Do you know why this is? Because when the western vampire tribes tried to set up a colony in Tokyo, the locals killed them. Then they ate them. This should tell you something.
So there it is, Tokyo in a nutshell. The more you know, the less you go.
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Date: 2008-01-20 06:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-20 10:02 pm (UTC)