San Diego: A Parable

[danalwyn]

Sorry for spamming my flist, but I'm sitting around bored with nothing to do but watch news reporters panic.

This will probably be offensive to some people who have lost their homes, and some people who, like me, are still in danger, but if you can't laugh about this, what can you do?


IN THE BEGINNING...

The Lord did create the world, and upon it he worked many wise and wonderful things, and unto them he did cast his glance and realize that Lo! It was Good! And thus did God create the land and the water, the beasts of the earth and the fish of the sea, and his final creation, man. And man worshipped God and rejoiced in his faith, for this was his lot.

But then did one tribe stand apart from all others and come before the greatness of God and say unto him, "Creation is indeed divine, O Magnificent One, but because we are but frail flesh, and because our faith is weak, we require great tribulations so as to temper our faith, and to make us strong in your spirit."

And the Lord God did consider on this matter, and thus did he come to see that there was great wisdom in these words. And so he spake unto this tribe, saying, "Behold! There is wisdom in your words, and that wisdom shall be rewarded. I shall gift you with a land far from here, in the distant reaches of the world, and I shall build upon it a great city for you to dwell in. And that city shall be filled with much smog and pollution, so that you cannot see its sheltering hills. And I shall fill it with dirty water, and horrible traffic, and morons who do not know how to drive. And upon its narrow, curved streets I shall place orange cones which shall warn thee of construction that shall never finish, and jackhammers that cease hammering not. And into its skies I shall place a permanent brown smog, which I shall fill with jumbo jets, and jackasses who think that twenty feet is adequate clearance for a helicopter. And I shall turn my gaze from it, so that it raineth not, nor snoweth during the Christmas season, but that all the earth shall turn brown and barren. And then, as my crowning curse, I shall fill it with celebrities, most of whom are crazy, and some of whom shall be Scientologists, so that all will only ask if you do knoweth thy famous neighbors. And I shall call it Los Angeles.

And thus did the Lord, thy God, create Los Angeles, and it was good, for it was bad, and in it the faith of many was sorely tested.

But then unto the Lord did come others who cried out to him in many voices, claiming that their faith still wavered, and that it must be tested more severely. And thus did the Lord God consider for much time, until at last he set forth a pronouncement.

"For you I shall tell to go forth, and for you shall I make a new city in the desert. And it shall be hot, unless thy liveth by the ocean, where it shall be wet, and celebrities will venture not. But I shall giveth unto thee streets that shall be so crowded during rush hour as to prevent movement, and I shall giveth thee houses that cost more than some third-world countries, and yet are so shoddily done that they often collapse. And I shall curse thee with quakes of the earth, and make it such that your seafront houses shall fall off of cliffs, or be buried in mudslides. And upon thee I shall rest a city council that shall blow all of the city's money on questionable stocks, and a harbor that shall always need dredging, and beaches that must import sand from Arizona, and an airport that is perpetually too small, and many planes that shall fly over your city and wake you up in the morning and at night. And your football and baseball teams shall sucketh four years out of five, and shall complaineth mightily on the fifth. And I shall name this place San Diego."

And thus the Lord did wrought, and the people came, and to them the Lord said,

"Look ye people, for I have provided what I have promised. Is it not craptacular?"

And with a great voice, the people proclaimed that yes, it was indeed craptacular.

For in this city, the Padres and the Chargers did often sucketh, except when they did not and demanded money for stadiums instead. And the City Council did wrangle about dredging a harbor, and building a new airport, and they did spend all the city's pension money on Haitian penny stocks, and much did happen so that the people did wail at their misfortune, and their faith was sorely tested.

And so the people lived in San Diego and their faith grew strong. And thus did they build their shining city. But unto that beacon of holiness moved many others, who did not share the faith of the Lord, and among them they numbered liberals, and feminists, and socialists and various others, who did not bother God for He is tolerant of all who share a love of mankind. But with them came Britney Spears fans, and Harry Potter fanfic writers, and possibly even shotacon fans, and the Lord knew that Something had to be done, for even a tolerant and all-loving God must have some standards.

And upon the city of San Diego did the Lord lay a great curse, that every five years it would burneth down.

And so the people came and they built a great many houses in the back country where the air was dry, and the growth of spring whithered by summer into dry tinder, where even the merest spark would set it ablaze. And then, low and behold, did come the Santa Anna winds and the city did catch fire and many houses burned down.

And the faithless did turn their voices to the heavens and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And their voices did reach the Lord, who was Sleeping It Off in Las Vegas, and he did rise and say unto them,

"Jesus Christ, (sorry son), don't be Emo. What do you expect when you build your house in the middle of a desert? Deserts burn you know. Did I not say to the Jew Moses, 'Thou Shalt Not Be Stupid'?"

And the Son of Man, who was working in a homeless shelter in downtown San Diego, did hear this and did say, "No father, you didn't. You stopped at number ten."

And the Lord did grumble, "I thought it was obvious. Well, thou hast learned thy lesson. Do not be stupid again."

But the people did not listen to the Lord, and they made their homes on the brink of great mounds of dry tinder, and they did complaineth mightily when a blaze did start, so the undergrowth did build. And then did the Lord look down upon them and realize that the time of their judgment was at hand, and didst he cause there to be fire, and that fire did spread on the wings of Santa Anna. And that fire did ravage and burn unchecked. And thus did the faithless, who had failed to heed the eleventh commandment, begin wailing and gnashing their teeth once more, but the Lord listeneth not, for the sound of Emo is displeasing unto the Lord. And he looked upon the city and saw that it was good, or at least that it was not bad, which was more than could be said for the last season of Lost, and so the Lord rested.



Next time: Something Worth Reading.

Comments

[elaryn.livejournal.com]

*hugs* May the winds and fires end soon.

[crisiks.livejournal.com]

I echo Elaryn's sentiment. *hugs*