In Which I Make a Fool of Myself
Aug. 14th, 2007 07:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danalwynSo I've been surfing through the web off and on at work for a bit, and I've been getting annoyed about something. It started more or less as an annoyance, a minor itch, but it's been growing on me for a bit, like a fungus, until it's actually slightly uncomfortable. So, in the hopes of making such a spectacle of myself that someone feels compelled to lavish attention on me by telling me to STFU, I'm going to rant about something.
Namely, a lot of condemnation I've seen recently against "Nice Guys".
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you might want to skip this one.
The internet has taught me that Nice Guys are bad.
This has a strange Newspeak flavor to it. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Knowledge. Nice is Bad. I use the term frequently, and being told, after the fact, that it really means something, not just different from, but antithetical to, the meaning I understand turns my understanding too far to understand. I use "Nice Guy" to describe someone based on the content of their character - the people who are willing to build homes for the destitute in New Orleans, or overseas in the Peace Corps, who volunteer their time to teach underprivileged students or uneducated adults. It was always my understanding that this is a compliment, a description of a person who is willing to go the extra mile, even for a stranger.
Although I understand that this is not the meaning to which those on the internet object to, there is something inherently disturbing about blanket condemnations of the "Nice Guy". After all, there are plenty of people who are nice, the kind who will hold open the door for someone with a heavy package, or go get paper towels and help when someone else spills something in the hall. To lump them into a blanket condemnation, simply because there are some creeps who act nice seems a bit odd. It's an actual reverse of the term, taking it from someone who has a consideration for their fellow humans, to someone who fakes it in an attempt to get something out of it, a strange inverse of what the feminists tried to do to the term bitch*.
I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I suppose that I am a Nice Guy of sorts. I'm a lazy, self-centered bastard, but if people need help, they can always turn to me. I'm the kind who will roll their eyes, but who will drive you eighty miles on a sudden, unexpected errand, or stay late working on something because you had an emergency and had to go home, or who will cover you. So far this has not caused women to fall for me. I'm not surprised. In terms of romantic desirability, I'm behind banana slugs, and only slightly ahead of Dick Cheney. Hell, there are very few women who have committed crimes severe enough to be saddled with me. But you know what? I, along with a great many other people, don't care.
But all this leaves me confused. What do people want? Are we really not supposed to act nice, is the term now so soiled that we should leave it behind? If we're going to apply a blanket condemnation to an entire category, does that mean that people should try not to fall under it? What should they do? Kick puppies? Slap women around? Blow up school buses? If people aren't supposed to be nice anymore, if that term has now been hijacked, what should they be? What do you want internet?
Not that I really care. Like most of the Nice people I know, I act this way because I believe I am morally obliged to do what I think is the right thing. I may have to consider my course of action carefully, to weigh the advice of others, and to listen to their opinions, but I am accountable to only one human being. Regardless of what people think today, or tomorrow, ultimately, the only test on my own worth is whether I can meet my own eyes when I look in the mirror. And anyone who believes that I will imperil that simply because of someone else's opinion, can shove that idea up their ass and save me the trouble of doing it for them. Because none of us are that nice.
* And probably as confusing. I've never managed to figure out what, if I'm not supposed to call certain people bitch anymore, I'm supposed to call them. Bastard just doesn't have the right bite, especially when I'm writing. Is there a replacement?
And no, I still don't know why this annoys me.
Namely, a lot of condemnation I've seen recently against "Nice Guys".
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you might want to skip this one.
The internet has taught me that Nice Guys are bad.
This has a strange Newspeak flavor to it. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Knowledge. Nice is Bad. I use the term frequently, and being told, after the fact, that it really means something, not just different from, but antithetical to, the meaning I understand turns my understanding too far to understand. I use "Nice Guy" to describe someone based on the content of their character - the people who are willing to build homes for the destitute in New Orleans, or overseas in the Peace Corps, who volunteer their time to teach underprivileged students or uneducated adults. It was always my understanding that this is a compliment, a description of a person who is willing to go the extra mile, even for a stranger.
Although I understand that this is not the meaning to which those on the internet object to, there is something inherently disturbing about blanket condemnations of the "Nice Guy". After all, there are plenty of people who are nice, the kind who will hold open the door for someone with a heavy package, or go get paper towels and help when someone else spills something in the hall. To lump them into a blanket condemnation, simply because there are some creeps who act nice seems a bit odd. It's an actual reverse of the term, taking it from someone who has a consideration for their fellow humans, to someone who fakes it in an attempt to get something out of it, a strange inverse of what the feminists tried to do to the term bitch*.
I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I suppose that I am a Nice Guy of sorts. I'm a lazy, self-centered bastard, but if people need help, they can always turn to me. I'm the kind who will roll their eyes, but who will drive you eighty miles on a sudden, unexpected errand, or stay late working on something because you had an emergency and had to go home, or who will cover you. So far this has not caused women to fall for me. I'm not surprised. In terms of romantic desirability, I'm behind banana slugs, and only slightly ahead of Dick Cheney. Hell, there are very few women who have committed crimes severe enough to be saddled with me. But you know what? I, along with a great many other people, don't care.
But all this leaves me confused. What do people want? Are we really not supposed to act nice, is the term now so soiled that we should leave it behind? If we're going to apply a blanket condemnation to an entire category, does that mean that people should try not to fall under it? What should they do? Kick puppies? Slap women around? Blow up school buses? If people aren't supposed to be nice anymore, if that term has now been hijacked, what should they be? What do you want internet?
Not that I really care. Like most of the Nice people I know, I act this way because I believe I am morally obliged to do what I think is the right thing. I may have to consider my course of action carefully, to weigh the advice of others, and to listen to their opinions, but I am accountable to only one human being. Regardless of what people think today, or tomorrow, ultimately, the only test on my own worth is whether I can meet my own eyes when I look in the mirror. And anyone who believes that I will imperil that simply because of someone else's opinion, can shove that idea up their ass and save me the trouble of doing it for them. Because none of us are that nice.
* And probably as confusing. I've never managed to figure out what, if I'm not supposed to call certain people bitch anymore, I'm supposed to call them. Bastard just doesn't have the right bite, especially when I'm writing. Is there a replacement?
And no, I still don't know why this annoys me.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-15 09:06 pm (UTC)But when this doesn't happen (because women are human beings and have, you know, minds), the "Nice Guy" runs to his blog and rails against women and how they all want bad boys who treat them like shit, because here he is, Nice as Can Be, and the bitches won't open their legs for him. He never understands that he's striking out because he's only acting nice. He doesn't want to be with a woman because of who she is. He wants to be with her because he wants status/a caregiver/something to stick his dick in every night. Us girls pick up on that.
That's what's meant by "Nice Guy". We use that term because that's how these guys describe themselves while they're writing their bitter, entitled, misogynistic rants. It's not their "nice", outward behaviour that earns them the label; it's the juxtaposition of their protests that they're nice with their shitty attitudes towards women.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-16 04:22 am (UTC)I know what the target is, but I can't help feel tarred by association of behavior, and I suppose what really bothers me is now every time I do something that I consider to be either nice or polite to a woman, I wonder if I'm coming across wrong, and if I should do something mean or spiteful to her just to level the playing field. Since I don't want to enter someone else's comfort zone, I don't want to do something wrong, so now I feel like I'm on a stage all the time.
Bah, I'm incoherent.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-16 12:22 pm (UTC)Not at all, Dan; I see where you're coming from.
I suppose what really bothers me is now every time I do something that I consider to be either nice or polite to a woman, I wonder if I'm coming across wrong, and if I should do something mean or spiteful to her just to level the playing field.
I don't think you have to worry. It's not like you're holding doors or whatever because you think doing so entitles you to sex - you're doing it to be polite and civilised. If a woman chooses to perceive an ulterior motive where there is none, there's nothing you can do about that. And if she then chooses to have nothing more to do with you because of her own paranoia, frankly it's her loss.