It's California Proposition Time
Nov. 5th, 2006 11:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danalwynIt's election time again in the state of California, which means propositions, propositions, and more propositions. There are too many to keep track of, so I've written down some of the more interesting ones, which will doubtless serve as an inspiration to the rest of the nation if they pass.
I present to you, the State of California Abbreviated Voting Guide:
Proposition 192: Stop Illegal Immigration and Improve California's Environment
Proposition 192 would aim to stop up to 90% of illegal immigration to California by a method previously untested by the state of California. It would enshrine the following words in the State Constitution:
Whereas it is seen that Southern California, comprising that region geographically south of the city of Monterey, is basically a fucking desert, and nobody who lives in a desert needs a fucking lawn.
Not only would this reduce demand for illegal immigrants to do yard work by about 90%, but it would also reduce California's demand for out-of-state water by about two-thirds, restoring several environmental disaster areas, and generally making life in California much better for all. Proponents claim that the savings from the water board will suffice to ship all unemployed illegals back across the border.
Proposition X: The Jesus Is Lord Proposition
Prop. X recognizes the fundamental influence of Christianity in American government, and demands that all gubernatorial candidates be similar to Jesus in certain respects. Specifically, all candidates for the office of governor will have to be crucified, killed, and resurrected after three days. Under this rule, both the current governor and the Democratic challenger are unsuitable for the post, and will have to step down. Elections will be postponed until suitable candidates are found.
This proposition is expected to save millions of dollars for elections that never meant anything anyway.
Proposition 1592: The Golden Rule Proposition
Prop. 1592 proposes the creation of several different criminal groups to prey on illegal immigrants from Mexico, as well as increasing the allowable abuses that INS agents can perform on such immigrants. Illegal immigration will hopefully be reduced by raising the abuses to a level consistent with that suffered by illegal immigrants from Central America attempting to enter Mexico.
Proposition 1Q: The Traditional Government Proposition
Under Proposition 1Q, all people elected to California state office will be required to have a name that can be spelled by a classroom of fourth graders studying the state of California. Under this proposition, GovernorArnold Schwartzenegar, Ahnold Swartzenegger, Arnold Schwarzinaggar, Conan the Barbarian will have to change his name to something that is easier to spell.
Proposition 110: Stop Illegal Immigration and Get Tough on Terrorism
Yet another proposition to reduce the flow of Illegal Immigration, Proposition 110 makes the act of being inside the United States illegally punishable by ten to twenty years of Community Service in the California National Guard. The expected influx of illegal immigrants should allow California to man at least two extra divisions of troops and deploy them to Iraq to help fight terror there. Additional benefits could possibly include stopping nuclear proliferation by deploying twenty thousand extra soldiers to South Korea.
Proposition 2R: The California Poultry Initiative
Proposition 2R will declare, once and for all, that the chicken came before the fucking egg, OK?
Proposition 2S: The California Egg Farmers Bill
Proposition 2S will require all schools to teach that the egg preceeded the chicken.
Note: Propositions 2R and 2S are mutually exclusive. If both pass, the issue will have to be resolved in a fist fight in the capital building.
Proposition 2015: The Debt Free Act
In the last election, California reduced its debt by passing it on to younger generations in the form of a large bond. Under Proposition 2015, the bond would be paid by enacting a flat tax on old people, and a 100% tax on social security, starting in 2015, to force those who voted for the bond to pay for it. Proposition 2015 will probably appear on the ballot every year until it is passed.
Proposition 22ABC: The Second Clean Air Act
Proposition 22ABC will act to clean the air in the Los Angeles area by revoking the highly successful Commercial Inducement Act of the City of Los Angeles. Under the Commercial Inducement Act, the city encourages thousands of tourists and residents to pass through the city's commercial areas each day by paying thousands of people to sit and idle their cars on the I-405 and I-5, bringing all attempts at driving through LA to a crashing halt. By revoking this act, air quality in LA is expected to improve by a factor of five.
Proposition 86C: The Bay Area Transit Act
Proposition 86C will attempt to speed travel in the San Fransisco Bay Area by penalizing contractors who engage in over three hours of work on the Bay Bridge refit with their plans upside-down. This is expected to decrease the expected cost, and dramatically reduce the completion time, of the refit.
Proposition 86D: The Bay Area Non-Transit Act
Proposition 86D intends to save the state of California several million dollars by simply giving up on the Bay Bridge refit project and knocking the whole damn thing down. You all can take BART, morons.
Proposition 86E: The Bay Area Rapid Transit Act
Proposition 86E aims to dramatically increase traffic flow in the Bay Area by hiring the same contractors we hired to build the Bay Bridge refit in order to knock it down. Projections indicate that this will result in them accidentally building a five layer suspension bridge across the strait, and possibly halfway to Japan as well.
Propositions 86E, 86D and 86C are not actually mutually exclusive. Just close.
Proposition T: The Real Traditional Marriage Amendment
Declares marriage to be a condition of matrimony existing between a forty-year old man and a twelve-year old girl.
Proposition 100U: The Open Road Amendment
Requires all highways in the state of California to be enlarged to have a hundred lanes. Authorizes seizing of all property within ten miles in any direction of any freeway for further expansions. It also authorizes the seizing of several suburbs to be turned into parking lots, and the bulldozing of half of Los Angeles to reduce traffic crowding.
Proposition 100000: Seize the Day Initiative
Increases California's natural lands, resources, and population by annexing Baja California. Hell, we basically own Tijuana anyway. And that way people wouldn't have to keep sneaking over the border. Damn, we should have done this years ago.
I present to you, the State of California Abbreviated Voting Guide:
Proposition 192: Stop Illegal Immigration and Improve California's Environment
Proposition 192 would aim to stop up to 90% of illegal immigration to California by a method previously untested by the state of California. It would enshrine the following words in the State Constitution:
Whereas it is seen that Southern California, comprising that region geographically south of the city of Monterey, is basically a fucking desert, and nobody who lives in a desert needs a fucking lawn.
Not only would this reduce demand for illegal immigrants to do yard work by about 90%, but it would also reduce California's demand for out-of-state water by about two-thirds, restoring several environmental disaster areas, and generally making life in California much better for all. Proponents claim that the savings from the water board will suffice to ship all unemployed illegals back across the border.
Proposition X: The Jesus Is Lord Proposition
Prop. X recognizes the fundamental influence of Christianity in American government, and demands that all gubernatorial candidates be similar to Jesus in certain respects. Specifically, all candidates for the office of governor will have to be crucified, killed, and resurrected after three days. Under this rule, both the current governor and the Democratic challenger are unsuitable for the post, and will have to step down. Elections will be postponed until suitable candidates are found.
This proposition is expected to save millions of dollars for elections that never meant anything anyway.
Proposition 1592: The Golden Rule Proposition
Prop. 1592 proposes the creation of several different criminal groups to prey on illegal immigrants from Mexico, as well as increasing the allowable abuses that INS agents can perform on such immigrants. Illegal immigration will hopefully be reduced by raising the abuses to a level consistent with that suffered by illegal immigrants from Central America attempting to enter Mexico.
Proposition 1Q: The Traditional Government Proposition
Under Proposition 1Q, all people elected to California state office will be required to have a name that can be spelled by a classroom of fourth graders studying the state of California. Under this proposition, Governor
Proposition 110: Stop Illegal Immigration and Get Tough on Terrorism
Yet another proposition to reduce the flow of Illegal Immigration, Proposition 110 makes the act of being inside the United States illegally punishable by ten to twenty years of Community Service in the California National Guard. The expected influx of illegal immigrants should allow California to man at least two extra divisions of troops and deploy them to Iraq to help fight terror there. Additional benefits could possibly include stopping nuclear proliferation by deploying twenty thousand extra soldiers to South Korea.
Proposition 2R: The California Poultry Initiative
Proposition 2R will declare, once and for all, that the chicken came before the fucking egg, OK?
Proposition 2S: The California Egg Farmers Bill
Proposition 2S will require all schools to teach that the egg preceeded the chicken.
Note: Propositions 2R and 2S are mutually exclusive. If both pass, the issue will have to be resolved in a fist fight in the capital building.
Proposition 2015: The Debt Free Act
In the last election, California reduced its debt by passing it on to younger generations in the form of a large bond. Under Proposition 2015, the bond would be paid by enacting a flat tax on old people, and a 100% tax on social security, starting in 2015, to force those who voted for the bond to pay for it. Proposition 2015 will probably appear on the ballot every year until it is passed.
Proposition 22ABC: The Second Clean Air Act
Proposition 22ABC will act to clean the air in the Los Angeles area by revoking the highly successful Commercial Inducement Act of the City of Los Angeles. Under the Commercial Inducement Act, the city encourages thousands of tourists and residents to pass through the city's commercial areas each day by paying thousands of people to sit and idle their cars on the I-405 and I-5, bringing all attempts at driving through LA to a crashing halt. By revoking this act, air quality in LA is expected to improve by a factor of five.
Proposition 86C: The Bay Area Transit Act
Proposition 86C will attempt to speed travel in the San Fransisco Bay Area by penalizing contractors who engage in over three hours of work on the Bay Bridge refit with their plans upside-down. This is expected to decrease the expected cost, and dramatically reduce the completion time, of the refit.
Proposition 86D: The Bay Area Non-Transit Act
Proposition 86D intends to save the state of California several million dollars by simply giving up on the Bay Bridge refit project and knocking the whole damn thing down. You all can take BART, morons.
Proposition 86E: The Bay Area Rapid Transit Act
Proposition 86E aims to dramatically increase traffic flow in the Bay Area by hiring the same contractors we hired to build the Bay Bridge refit in order to knock it down. Projections indicate that this will result in them accidentally building a five layer suspension bridge across the strait, and possibly halfway to Japan as well.
Propositions 86E, 86D and 86C are not actually mutually exclusive. Just close.
Proposition T: The Real Traditional Marriage Amendment
Declares marriage to be a condition of matrimony existing between a forty-year old man and a twelve-year old girl.
Proposition 100U: The Open Road Amendment
Requires all highways in the state of California to be enlarged to have a hundred lanes. Authorizes seizing of all property within ten miles in any direction of any freeway for further expansions. It also authorizes the seizing of several suburbs to be turned into parking lots, and the bulldozing of half of Los Angeles to reduce traffic crowding.
Proposition 100000: Seize the Day Initiative
Increases California's natural lands, resources, and population by annexing Baja California. Hell, we basically own Tijuana anyway. And that way people wouldn't have to keep sneaking over the border. Damn, we should have done this years ago.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-05 07:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-06 03:38 am (UTC)