War Guide I
Aug. 3rd, 2006 07:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danalwynThere's a lot of talk about war recently. A lot of it comes from people who know what they're talking about. A lot of it, to be blunt, doesn't. I must admit that my own study of war is somewhat hampered by certain factors, but I at least know when I'm being bullshitted.
And then I thought that maybe this isn't malicious, or armchair grandstanding, or anything else. Maybe people just don't know the first thing about how a war starts, or how it's run. I'm sure now that, just as there are some people who know nothing about science, there are many people who know nothing about war. Some of them are apparently generals in the Israeli Defense Force.
I'm far from an expert on the subject, but I thought that I would start to write down a basic primer for myself on what war involves, in the hopes that someday, somehow, it will make more sense to me.
Here it goes:
War is a tricky business, an artform that is distinguished from all other art forms by the way that the pixels run around with minds of their own and occasionally become squishy spots on the pavement. It is probably one of the most misunderstood businesses on the planet, something that a great many people persistently refuse to understand.
All manner of people are ignorant of war, many of whom cannot afford to be. Those of us who are wage-slave workers, laboring beneath the weight of a thousand tasks can afford our ignorance of an issue that, in a very real way, does not effect us. We have enough to worry about already. I am included in that number, and I know very little about war. But there are others who seem to know less than I do, who really should not. Some are politicians, right and left wing, hawks and doves, peace activists and military interventionists. If your duty consists of steering the course of a country, you cannot afford to be ignorant about the devourer of nations, the most voracious of the Four Horsemen, and the only one created by man. Ignorance in the name of idealism is worse.
Others are generals and leaders of armies. Sometimes it is intentional - some armies create tacticians in the ranks who later become generals without learning how a war should be prosecuted. Some armies pick officers who cannot threaten the regime by very reason of their own incompetence. And still others tend to pick the most corrupt and sleaziest bastard who can get the post, leading to a never-ending circle of incompetence that devours its own young. They should really know better.
So the first question one should confront is how to start a war. Not why, because you have either considered this question for a long time, or are so brash and foolish that its consideration would not matter. Not when, because it is either thrust upon you or the result of long and careful planning, but how. It is amazing how many wars start essentially by accident, with no thought to anything beyond the surge of emotions and the rush of feeling. Certainly the graves and the litany of the crippled are not considered. Certainly the losing side tends not to consider its own defeat.
So how should one start it?
Each war starts (or should start) with a series of what strategy gamers sometimes call “Win Conditions”. When these conditions are achieved, you call it a victory and end the war (usually if you achieve these conditions your opponent is in no shape to argue with you at that point). The point of the American Revolution was to remove Britain from power over her colonies. That was achieved. The win condition in Vietnam was much vaguer and America never really understood it, hence one of the many reasons why we never reached it. War is not just fighting, that's what British football matches are for. War is fighting with a direction, with a specific goal in mind. If you don't have a goal, or you have one you cannot reach, there is little point in prosecuting your war.
Of course, that's not all you need to start a war. You also need to know yourself and know what you can accomplish. There have been a lot of people who have started wars with more ambition than they had means. That never turns out well. Most countries do not have nearly the ability they think they have when they start a war, and they usually discover this in the most embarrassing fashion halfway through. The only thing that runs in your favor then is that your opponent is probably making the same discovery. You can, however, minimize the problem by making sure you do know what you're doing ahead of time.
So, how does one get started with fighting a war? Go through the following list:
1) Do you have an objective?
Well, do you? Write it down on a piece of paper. You may have two or three objectives, but certainly not more than five, and all of them should be no more than twenty words. Take this piece of paper and pin it to your refrigerator using magnets. These are your “win” conditions. Once you achieve them, you have victory. These are very important. Everything you do should move you towards one of these conditions. Anything that moves you laterally, or, God forbid, backwards, should be discarded immediately. Make sure that you've written this down! Not only does it make something good to show the press, but it will remind you of what your objectives are later on, in the confusion of battle.
Quick Check: Do any of your objectives involve the phrases “Get Re-elected” or “Pick up Chicks”? If so, disregard the remainder of this checklist, as you're going to go to war anyway.
2) Is your objective achievable?
Not that you have your objectives, can you reach them? If you're Hezbollah, destroying Israel is not an achievable goal. If you're the United States, getting everyone in the Middle East to embrace liberal democracy is not an achievable goal. If you're Homer Simpson, giving up beer is not an achievable goal. Make double sure that you not only know what your goals are but that you will know when you get to them. This will save you from aimless wandering in the future.
3) Can you foot the bill?
To quote Sherman, war means fighting and fighting means killing. We are not Sun Tzu. If you attempt to meet political means by military ends, sooner or later you are going to get into a fight. And, even under the best of officers, in the best of situations, your men are going to die on the field. That's the way it works. Your military, and your country, can only withstand so many losses. Make sure that you know what the number is and why before you start with the slaughter. This can save you a lot of embarrassment later.
Quick Check: Was one of your stated objectives to rid yourself of large numbers of people who could threaten your position? If so you may skip this step.
4) Can you afford it?
It may seem crass to put money next to lives, but the comparison is apt. The US has spent $250 billion and over 2,000 lives on Iraq over the past three years. What hurts more? The lives are more important now, but even $1 billion could have saved more than 2,000 lives in African from the perils of disease alone. $250 billion could provide a lot of life-saving surgery for Americans, cut down on crime by beefing up the FBI, cut our dependence on oil (and hence future military deployments), or helped rebuild southeast Asia after the tsunami (or New Orleans for that matter). Lives aren't priceless, they're cheap, and sometimes the accountant's bill hurts more than the butcher's.
5) Do you have the troops to fight this?
Do you have an army? Are you sure? Lots of people have run into trouble in this area. Count them. Count them again. Make sure that when you're counting them, you're actually going out there and counting them. This is a problem especially prevalent in third world countries with varying dialects, where when a general tells you that you have "twenty thousand highly trained and loyal troops", what he really means is "five hundred men and a camel". Make sure that the people you are counting are actually soldiers and not just some bums hired off the street to impress you. Make sure that the number of troops you see and the number that you pay for at least have the same number of zeroes. Do you have enough troops to overwhelm even a detachment of your enemy? If no, abort the war. If yes, continue.
Quick Check: Do not count the camels. It may be tempting, but it doesn't work.
6) Do you have the guns?
Count those too. Pick a random unit and make a surprise visit. Check their weapons. Do they have any? Are they all the same type? Are they at least made by the same country? Are they older than you? Are they older than your grandfather? Are they older than the airplane? This may seem odd, but there are a hell of a lot of 1898 vintage rifles wandering around out there. Do they fire? More than once? How reliably? Do your troops carry machetes because their guns tend to jam? Insist on a demonstration. Make sure that you see at least a thousand weapons fired. Make especially sure that your generals are not just firing the same weapons over and over. Check that they are firing real bullets and not blanks, real bullets put more stress on the weapon. Make sure that your troops know which end to point at the enemy.
Quick Check: If your army has no guns, make sure you have one. Place it in your desk drawer where you can get easy access - it will probably come in handy.
7) How about ammo?
Did the firing demonstration in the previous step exhaust your army's ammunition supply? If so, return to step one. Do you have enough ammunition? Make sure to open the boxes in the warehouses, ammunition is something that dishonest quartermasters have little trouble selling off. Can you get more? You don't buy your ammunition from the country you are declaring war on, do you? If you do, and that country is not Russia, return to step one. Remember that the amount of ammunition that you will use is at least ten times what the generals tell you.
8) Do you have heavy equipment?
Modern war uses a lot of toys. Tanks, planes, helicopters, artillery, satellites, and astronaut ice cream. It's not enough just to have the toys, you have to know how to use them. Tanks and planes can't be used just by driving them into the middle of a target zone and crushing everything in sight. Well, they can, but they don't work well that way. Lots of armies maintain tanks as parade pieces and use their airplanes in air shows. Tactics beyond pointing at things and pulling the trigger may be beyond them. If this is the level of your state's expertise, leave them on the shelf. Otherwise you will have a very short, and very embarrassing war.
9) Do you have any leadership?
Even the grand poobah himself can only micromanage so much. Sooner or later, the details of your operation are going to come down to some lower officer. Normally these are the generals. Do you have any? How many did you appoint personally? Was it for their loyalty or their field performance? Have any of them ever seen combat? For that matter, who died and made you king? Do you know enough to master the art of war and lead your country to victory, regardless of the odds? If your answer to that question was yes, return to step one and start again.
10) Do you have the support personnel?
War requires a lot of people. You'll need more truck drivers, doctors, engineers, nurses, construction workers, and prostitutes (for the enlisted men - officers have to supply their own mistresses). You'll need to recruit, conscript, or draft and organize these people in some way to support your operations, which means that you will need a dependable bureaucracy to manage things. Is your government already too bloated and inefficient to handle the situation? Either take control and cut out the fat, or consider making a pass on this war.
Quick Note: Armies fighting defensive wars on their own territory, democratic armies deployed forward for less than two years, and religious fanatics can dispense with the prostitutes.
Quick Note #2: Armies engaged in offensive operations in the middle of bodies of enemy civilians can also dispense with the prostitutes as long as "Winning Hearts and Minds" was not on your list of objectives.
Quick Note #3: Armies that are entirely co-ed can also dispense with the prostitute requirements, but take an extra 30% attrition rate from STDs.
Quick Note #4: Yes, armed forces composed entirely of homosexuals do not technically need support from prostitutes either.
Quick Note #5: [sigh]And yes, if they were all into bestiality, and you had a supply of horses with your army - but this is taking things entirely too far.
Quick Note #6: If you even think of the word necrophilic, I will run your foot over in my tank.
11) Do you have a plan?
It may seem strange to wait this long to see if you have a plan, but doubtless you have encountered some surprises getting to this point. You may have discovered that what your general's term "five fighting divisions" is a polite euphemism for a Little League team. You may have discovered that you have less weapons than you have fingers, or some other minor setback. Now that you do know what you have, it's time to lay out a plan. Hmmm...nothing comes to mind? Back to step one then, to refine your goals to meet your means. Otherwise take a bit to edit and re-edit. You may only get one shot at this. Is it achievable? Can you do it? If yes, then press on.
12) Do you have your keys?
There is nothing more pathetic than a man who has just started a major war and is then forced to miss it because he locks himself out of his own command bunker. Always make sure you have your keys before starting a war. And you wallet, preferably loaded with foreign cash. Just to make sure that you have something with you if you should have to make a speedy withdrawal to a foreign country.
Well, you're ready to go. But you should not go just yet. We'll see you in the next chapter, where we decide what kind of a war we're going to have.
And then I thought that maybe this isn't malicious, or armchair grandstanding, or anything else. Maybe people just don't know the first thing about how a war starts, or how it's run. I'm sure now that, just as there are some people who know nothing about science, there are many people who know nothing about war. Some of them are apparently generals in the Israeli Defense Force.
I'm far from an expert on the subject, but I thought that I would start to write down a basic primer for myself on what war involves, in the hopes that someday, somehow, it will make more sense to me.
Here it goes:
War is a tricky business, an artform that is distinguished from all other art forms by the way that the pixels run around with minds of their own and occasionally become squishy spots on the pavement. It is probably one of the most misunderstood businesses on the planet, something that a great many people persistently refuse to understand.
All manner of people are ignorant of war, many of whom cannot afford to be. Those of us who are wage-slave workers, laboring beneath the weight of a thousand tasks can afford our ignorance of an issue that, in a very real way, does not effect us. We have enough to worry about already. I am included in that number, and I know very little about war. But there are others who seem to know less than I do, who really should not. Some are politicians, right and left wing, hawks and doves, peace activists and military interventionists. If your duty consists of steering the course of a country, you cannot afford to be ignorant about the devourer of nations, the most voracious of the Four Horsemen, and the only one created by man. Ignorance in the name of idealism is worse.
Others are generals and leaders of armies. Sometimes it is intentional - some armies create tacticians in the ranks who later become generals without learning how a war should be prosecuted. Some armies pick officers who cannot threaten the regime by very reason of their own incompetence. And still others tend to pick the most corrupt and sleaziest bastard who can get the post, leading to a never-ending circle of incompetence that devours its own young. They should really know better.
So the first question one should confront is how to start a war. Not why, because you have either considered this question for a long time, or are so brash and foolish that its consideration would not matter. Not when, because it is either thrust upon you or the result of long and careful planning, but how. It is amazing how many wars start essentially by accident, with no thought to anything beyond the surge of emotions and the rush of feeling. Certainly the graves and the litany of the crippled are not considered. Certainly the losing side tends not to consider its own defeat.
So how should one start it?
Each war starts (or should start) with a series of what strategy gamers sometimes call “Win Conditions”. When these conditions are achieved, you call it a victory and end the war (usually if you achieve these conditions your opponent is in no shape to argue with you at that point). The point of the American Revolution was to remove Britain from power over her colonies. That was achieved. The win condition in Vietnam was much vaguer and America never really understood it, hence one of the many reasons why we never reached it. War is not just fighting, that's what British football matches are for. War is fighting with a direction, with a specific goal in mind. If you don't have a goal, or you have one you cannot reach, there is little point in prosecuting your war.
Of course, that's not all you need to start a war. You also need to know yourself and know what you can accomplish. There have been a lot of people who have started wars with more ambition than they had means. That never turns out well. Most countries do not have nearly the ability they think they have when they start a war, and they usually discover this in the most embarrassing fashion halfway through. The only thing that runs in your favor then is that your opponent is probably making the same discovery. You can, however, minimize the problem by making sure you do know what you're doing ahead of time.
So, how does one get started with fighting a war? Go through the following list:
1) Do you have an objective?
Well, do you? Write it down on a piece of paper. You may have two or three objectives, but certainly not more than five, and all of them should be no more than twenty words. Take this piece of paper and pin it to your refrigerator using magnets. These are your “win” conditions. Once you achieve them, you have victory. These are very important. Everything you do should move you towards one of these conditions. Anything that moves you laterally, or, God forbid, backwards, should be discarded immediately. Make sure that you've written this down! Not only does it make something good to show the press, but it will remind you of what your objectives are later on, in the confusion of battle.
Quick Check: Do any of your objectives involve the phrases “Get Re-elected” or “Pick up Chicks”? If so, disregard the remainder of this checklist, as you're going to go to war anyway.
2) Is your objective achievable?
Not that you have your objectives, can you reach them? If you're Hezbollah, destroying Israel is not an achievable goal. If you're the United States, getting everyone in the Middle East to embrace liberal democracy is not an achievable goal. If you're Homer Simpson, giving up beer is not an achievable goal. Make double sure that you not only know what your goals are but that you will know when you get to them. This will save you from aimless wandering in the future.
3) Can you foot the bill?
To quote Sherman, war means fighting and fighting means killing. We are not Sun Tzu. If you attempt to meet political means by military ends, sooner or later you are going to get into a fight. And, even under the best of officers, in the best of situations, your men are going to die on the field. That's the way it works. Your military, and your country, can only withstand so many losses. Make sure that you know what the number is and why before you start with the slaughter. This can save you a lot of embarrassment later.
Quick Check: Was one of your stated objectives to rid yourself of large numbers of people who could threaten your position? If so you may skip this step.
4) Can you afford it?
It may seem crass to put money next to lives, but the comparison is apt. The US has spent $250 billion and over 2,000 lives on Iraq over the past three years. What hurts more? The lives are more important now, but even $1 billion could have saved more than 2,000 lives in African from the perils of disease alone. $250 billion could provide a lot of life-saving surgery for Americans, cut down on crime by beefing up the FBI, cut our dependence on oil (and hence future military deployments), or helped rebuild southeast Asia after the tsunami (or New Orleans for that matter). Lives aren't priceless, they're cheap, and sometimes the accountant's bill hurts more than the butcher's.
5) Do you have the troops to fight this?
Do you have an army? Are you sure? Lots of people have run into trouble in this area. Count them. Count them again. Make sure that when you're counting them, you're actually going out there and counting them. This is a problem especially prevalent in third world countries with varying dialects, where when a general tells you that you have "twenty thousand highly trained and loyal troops", what he really means is "five hundred men and a camel". Make sure that the people you are counting are actually soldiers and not just some bums hired off the street to impress you. Make sure that the number of troops you see and the number that you pay for at least have the same number of zeroes. Do you have enough troops to overwhelm even a detachment of your enemy? If no, abort the war. If yes, continue.
Quick Check: Do not count the camels. It may be tempting, but it doesn't work.
6) Do you have the guns?
Count those too. Pick a random unit and make a surprise visit. Check their weapons. Do they have any? Are they all the same type? Are they at least made by the same country? Are they older than you? Are they older than your grandfather? Are they older than the airplane? This may seem odd, but there are a hell of a lot of 1898 vintage rifles wandering around out there. Do they fire? More than once? How reliably? Do your troops carry machetes because their guns tend to jam? Insist on a demonstration. Make sure that you see at least a thousand weapons fired. Make especially sure that your generals are not just firing the same weapons over and over. Check that they are firing real bullets and not blanks, real bullets put more stress on the weapon. Make sure that your troops know which end to point at the enemy.
Quick Check: If your army has no guns, make sure you have one. Place it in your desk drawer where you can get easy access - it will probably come in handy.
7) How about ammo?
Did the firing demonstration in the previous step exhaust your army's ammunition supply? If so, return to step one. Do you have enough ammunition? Make sure to open the boxes in the warehouses, ammunition is something that dishonest quartermasters have little trouble selling off. Can you get more? You don't buy your ammunition from the country you are declaring war on, do you? If you do, and that country is not Russia, return to step one. Remember that the amount of ammunition that you will use is at least ten times what the generals tell you.
8) Do you have heavy equipment?
Modern war uses a lot of toys. Tanks, planes, helicopters, artillery, satellites, and astronaut ice cream. It's not enough just to have the toys, you have to know how to use them. Tanks and planes can't be used just by driving them into the middle of a target zone and crushing everything in sight. Well, they can, but they don't work well that way. Lots of armies maintain tanks as parade pieces and use their airplanes in air shows. Tactics beyond pointing at things and pulling the trigger may be beyond them. If this is the level of your state's expertise, leave them on the shelf. Otherwise you will have a very short, and very embarrassing war.
9) Do you have any leadership?
Even the grand poobah himself can only micromanage so much. Sooner or later, the details of your operation are going to come down to some lower officer. Normally these are the generals. Do you have any? How many did you appoint personally? Was it for their loyalty or their field performance? Have any of them ever seen combat? For that matter, who died and made you king? Do you know enough to master the art of war and lead your country to victory, regardless of the odds? If your answer to that question was yes, return to step one and start again.
10) Do you have the support personnel?
War requires a lot of people. You'll need more truck drivers, doctors, engineers, nurses, construction workers, and prostitutes (for the enlisted men - officers have to supply their own mistresses). You'll need to recruit, conscript, or draft and organize these people in some way to support your operations, which means that you will need a dependable bureaucracy to manage things. Is your government already too bloated and inefficient to handle the situation? Either take control and cut out the fat, or consider making a pass on this war.
Quick Note: Armies fighting defensive wars on their own territory, democratic armies deployed forward for less than two years, and religious fanatics can dispense with the prostitutes.
Quick Note #2: Armies engaged in offensive operations in the middle of bodies of enemy civilians can also dispense with the prostitutes as long as "Winning Hearts and Minds" was not on your list of objectives.
Quick Note #3: Armies that are entirely co-ed can also dispense with the prostitute requirements, but take an extra 30% attrition rate from STDs.
Quick Note #4: Yes, armed forces composed entirely of homosexuals do not technically need support from prostitutes either.
Quick Note #5: [sigh]And yes, if they were all into bestiality, and you had a supply of horses with your army - but this is taking things entirely too far.
Quick Note #6: If you even think of the word necrophilic, I will run your foot over in my tank.
11) Do you have a plan?
It may seem strange to wait this long to see if you have a plan, but doubtless you have encountered some surprises getting to this point. You may have discovered that what your general's term "five fighting divisions" is a polite euphemism for a Little League team. You may have discovered that you have less weapons than you have fingers, or some other minor setback. Now that you do know what you have, it's time to lay out a plan. Hmmm...nothing comes to mind? Back to step one then, to refine your goals to meet your means. Otherwise take a bit to edit and re-edit. You may only get one shot at this. Is it achievable? Can you do it? If yes, then press on.
12) Do you have your keys?
There is nothing more pathetic than a man who has just started a major war and is then forced to miss it because he locks himself out of his own command bunker. Always make sure you have your keys before starting a war. And you wallet, preferably loaded with foreign cash. Just to make sure that you have something with you if you should have to make a speedy withdrawal to a foreign country.
Well, you're ready to go. But you should not go just yet. We'll see you in the next chapter, where we decide what kind of a war we're going to have.
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-04 06:58 am (UTC)You may also want to add a section -- or perhaps it's a subsection of 2) Is your objective achievable. Namely, "do you know the history behind what you're attempting?". There are a number of potential conflicts which should be approached with caution or ruled out as a Very Bad Idea on the basis of a historical perspective. Recent defeat of a powerful modern army with modern weaponry on top of a *long* history of conflict? Don't expect to be done any time soon.