Israel in Lebanon
Jul. 13th, 2006 09:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danalwynA general fracas has erupted in the Middle East today after Israeli troops, suffering from a navigational blunder, accidentally invaded Lebanon. Several units of mechanized troops on their way to support Israeli operations in Gaza got lost on the road to Haifa and accidentally wandered into Lebanon. The resulting diplomatic incident has only highlighted tensions in the Middle East.
“How were we supposed to know?” asked Colonel Ben-Aray of the Israeli Defense Force. “We were just wandering through dirt roads, running over the occasional roadblock in our tanks, and suddenly they tell us we're in Lebanon. The signs aren't even in Israeli, for God's sake!”
When informed that there was no such language as Israeli, Ben-Aray snapped, “Well aren't you a clever bastard?”
“We got a little lost,” an Israeli captain, who asked not to be named, confessed. “We took a few wrong turn, probably because whoever was in charge had their map upside down again, and suddenly we're here. Well, now that we're here we might as well do some good. That building is clearly a terrorist headquarters – I'm calling in an airstrike.”
Moments later, fighter-bombers of the IDF leveled Lebanon's first Wal-Mart.
“We were flying in support of our brave soldiers,” an unidentified Israeli airman commented, “and before we knew it, we were over Lebanon. What the [deleted] is up with that? So there we were, over Beirut, realizing we had to go back home. But it seemed such a shame to have flown all that was with all those bombs, and then have to carry them back, so we dropped them on the first open space we found, the airport.”
Lebanese Prime Minister Fuad Siniora reacted angrily to the attacks. “Go drive your damn tanks somewhere else. What do you think this is? The New Jersey Turnpike?”
In a press conference, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert stated that, “This is no longer about vengeance, or about the captured soldiers, or about payback for our last failed invasion of Lebanon. This matter now transcends each of these issues.”
When asked what the invasion was about, Mr. Olmert responded, “Balls, and who's got 'em.” He then proceeded to gesticulate wildly before succeeding in stabbing himself in the groin with a fountain pen. Shortly afterwards he left the press conference claiming that he was not feeling well.
Shares on the Middle Eastern Tension index rose 69% following news of Israel's new invasion, and the resulting general level of unhappy stalemate resulted in a general increase in conflict.
“The hell with it,” President Bashar al-Asad of Syria said today in a conference. Syria has an elevated stake in this matter, already having been ejected from Lebanon once in the past year. “If you're invading Lebanon, we're invading Lebanon!”
This pronouncement started a general domino effect all over the Middle East. Jordan likewise announced that they were invading Lebanon today and, when told that they had no mutual land border, decided to invade Syria to get to invade Lebanon. Saudi Arabia declared war on Kuwait, Jordan, and Oman, vowing to “outdo the Zionist pigs in Israel”, while Kuwait launched an invasion of Iran by paddle-boat. The new Iraqi government declared war on itself several times in a general melee that consumed the Iraqi parliament and resulted in nineteen representatives being hospitalized for fractures.
Not to be left out, the Hamas government in Gaza has joined in with the attacks. Members of Hamas now claim to feel “neglected” as conflict spreads across the Middle East, their concerns having been laid aside for the time being. A statement from Hamas' military wing lamented their inability to even “attract an Israeli artillery barrage. We really can't seem to get anybody's attention anymore.”
To remedy this, Hamas has begun launching rocket attacks on nearby areas of Egypt to attract attention. In retaliation, Egypt has declared war on Gaza, Libya, Austria, France, and Italy.
“Oh yeah, and China too,” said President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt. “Definitely China. I've put up with their damn sorry-ass excuse for Mongolian beef once too often. We'll show the world what it really means to be a tough guy.”
At this point, President Mubarak dropped his trousers and thrust his pelvis in the direction of Israel. “Look at that Israel! Big, fat, hairy ones!”
France reported that they were considering all options within the European Union to resolve this crisis, including doing nothing. China's ambassador was too inscrutable to provide a meaningful reply.
One thing is for certain. This latest upheaval has profoundly affected life in the Middle East.
“I was walking along the road this morning, and I saw old man Ayad watching the sky,” one farmer said, “so I asked him if he checking out the weather. He said 'yup', so I asked him what he predicted, and he said 'Five hundred kilogram bombs out of the southwest about mid-morning'. So I said 'Maybe I should put the cows in', and he said 'yup'.”
Another farmer told us, “It's a good thing the wife just cleaned up the bomb shelter. There was all kinds of junk in there. But now it's nice and clean again, and just in time.”
He then left us, saying, “I'll be back in the evening. Me and some of the boys are going to get in on this and invade the next village over. We've got to get some of the good stuff before it's gone.”
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