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Here's how my Christmas went.

I never woke up at two in the morning when I was a kid. Hence I was not happy at waking up at that ungodly hour now that I'm older, so it took the phone multiple tries to get me out of bed.

"It's two in the morning," I finally managed. "Whoever is calling me better have a damn good reason."

"It's Alice," said Alice who, because she had spent the better part of a day complaining that Christmas was just a bastardization of ancient pagan celebrations, had drawn the Christmas Eve shift, "We've had an incursion problem."

I swore. Incursions happen every once in a while, often at inconvenient times. Groaning, I propped myself up in bed. "Was it serious?"

"No. Defences were on auto, and detected an unauthorized and stealthed entry. We intercepted him at range and knocked him down. Then we confiscated the hardware. Standard procedure."

"Then why are you calling me?" I asked grumpily.

Alice actually sounded a bit nervous when she answered, which magically dispelled my sleepiness. "Er...because I've got this fat old elf and some reindeer here asking about whether they can get their sleigh back."

Whooping alarm sirens began to go off in my head. "Wait a minute. You SHOT DOWN Santa Claus?"

"Well, it wasn't exactly me. You see, the defenses were on auto because..."

"I'm coming in. Don't leave the office," I ordered. Yes, this was going to be one of those Christmases.

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