Not much happening

[danalwyn]

I had a busy week, but none of it eventful.

If anyone on GAFF is bored with me and Cyberwulf and Maijin Gojira smashing each other to pieces on the Writer's Fiat thread, now is the time to speak up.

BTW, if anyone cares, Ethiopia and Eritrea are on the verge of war. Again. For the ten millionth time. It's beginning to bore me, quite frankly.

So, instead, I'll take a look at American politics. After all, our political pundits have been talking for years about how the system is changing rapidly, and how even more dramatic changes seem to lurk on the horizon. Talking heads on both sides of the spectrum have been speaking about disastrous consequences associated with sudden radical action. But what are the possibilities for our future? And how do they effect us, as citizens? Why do we care anyway?

Below I have listed all the changes that could be seen in our type of government, along with how they effect you. It should be something that even non-Americans should read and understand.

To all those whom I offend, it's nothing personal.


The Death of Faith
Cause: Removing the words "Under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance
Effects: Liberal secular humanist jackbooted thugs burning Bibles and promoting homosexuality openly on the streets. Evolution taught in every school.
Eventual Government: Communism
How This Affects You: You will have to learn how to call everyone comrade. Beware of the Second Coming.


The Rainbow Revolution
Cause: Giving gays the right to marry.
Effects: Outlawing of heterosexuality, mandatory sexualization, mandatory consumption of government-approved porn
Eventual Government: Gayocracy
How This Affects You: Your attempt at fighting the homosexual agenda will result in five gays of your gender arriving at your house and replacing your wardrobe with trendier clothing.


Rural Relapse
Cause: Vladimir Putin forgetting to switch the safety on during his morning "Red Button Pushing" exercises.
Effects: Death of millions, nuclear war, salvation remaining in the hands of a few B-movie actors. Civilization residing only in farms owned by shotgun-totting rednecks with missing teeth.
Eventual Government: Communal Dictatorship
How This Affects You: Unless scantily clad members of the gender to which you are attracted come to you for help, you're probably not the main character of this story. You can either be a dirt-poor farmer, or a guard to some evil overlord-type. I would stick to being a farmer.

Rapturous Experience
Cause: Prelude to the Second Coming. Possibly Oral Roberts lookalike failing to raise one million dollars.
Effects: Disappearance of most of the world's supply of saintly grandmothers, and hence a shortage of fresh baked cookies. Antichrist declaring one world government, giving out cool T-shirts. Lack of Holy Water in case of vampire attack. Eventual annihilation of mankind, followed by possible reincarnation. Signs are uncertain.
Eventual Government: Theocracy
How This Affects You: You get a gnarly tattoo and a microchip under your skin. When they tell you that they need every man and woman to fight the last battle, that will be a good time to call in sick.

McFuture
Cause: Consolidation of Earth under one giant megacorporation. Introduction of irresistible burger.
Effects: Everything on Earth is manufactured and sold by the same company, and bought by its employees. On the plus side, less problems choosing which brand to buy.
Eventual Government: Corporate Monopoly
How This Affects You: You become the most wanted person on Earth when you point out that it's impossible to fleece your own employees for money when the only thing they can spend it on is your products.


The Sexual Enlightenment
Cause: Boys and Girls being encouraged to feel good about their bodies.
Effects: Breakdown in public morality. People run loose on the streets. Sacred feminine nature despoiled. Orgies everywhere. On plus side, free kinky porn.
Eventual Government: Cosmetocracy (Rule by the most cosmetically talented)
How This Affects You: You will have to buy a bigger bed, which you will pay for with your new job in the burgeoning handcuff industry. Oh, and get used to cooking big breakfasts. Very big.


Throwing Off of Chains
Cause: Unions beat Wal-Mart
Effects: Wages paid equally. Working-class revolt. Equality for everyone (although more for some). Revolution! Government stormtroopers with really cool uniforms.
Eventual Government: Anarcho-Syndiclist-Commu-Socialist-Labor-based-something-or-other
How This Affects You: You will have to memorize a great many acronyms, and be able to repeat them instantly, on pain of pain.

Rise of the Machines
Cause: Funding of Unethical Scientific Research
Effects: Robots rise and become rulers of the world, humans made into slaves.
Eventual Government: Strict Hierarchal Compu-dictatorship
How This Affects You: There is a fledgling human resistance, dedicated to freeing humanity from the chains of their inhuman oppressors and demonstrating their fearsome ingenuity. You are not cool enough to join. Get a mop and begin cleaning hallway 1437D.

Reign of Lawsuits
Cause: Limit taken off of lawsuit damages
Effects: Everybody now makes their money either as a lawyer, or by suing somebody else.
Eventual Government: Anarchy
How This Affects You: Eventually you will get so tired of losing your shirt that you sue the federal government for impoverishing you through the court system. You win, and are awarded the Presidency of the United States as a reward. Shortly after you outlaw lawsuits, following which the lawyer mafia has you shot.

Imperialist America
Cause: America continues its dangerous habit of even thinking about foreign countries
Effects: America conquers third world, controls first world, generally makes a nuisance of itself.
Eventual Government: Empire
How This Affects You: To escape the fascists, you move to Paris only hours before the United States decides to nuke France for the hell of it.

Manmade Disaster
Cause: "So, what does this button do?"
Effects: Destruction of most of US, breakdown of the US into independent communities who really hate each other. Brave bands of ethnically-mixed, sexually attractive survivors attempt to survive in an inhospitable wilderness in order to inspire feature films.
Eventual Government: Tribal
How This Affects You: If you aren't taking a long trip outside the country, prospects are bleak. You just aren't cut out to be a leading character.


Reign of Murder
Cause: Roe v Wade not overturned
Effects: Radical, child-killing feminists take over the world. Mandatory abortions.
Eventual Government: Totalitarian Dictatorship
How This Affects You: You will be drafted into the Pregnancy Police, constantly searching for women who might be pregnant without alerting the proper authorities. If you're in to looking at naked women, this might be a good thing for you.


The Information Age
Cause: Broadband internet access becomes universal.
Effects: Humanity becomes chained to their internet, Dell perfects kitchen to computer food delivery system, nobody goes outside.
Eventual Government: Technocratic Anarchy
How This Affects You: You will commit suicide in despair when IMDB's server goes down.

Sterile Future
Cause: Overly Ethical Scientific Research
Effects: Government monitoring crushes any attempt at creative spark. Ideas become monitored, Thought Police everywhere, utter conformity. Easy to pick out your wardrobe in the morning.
Eventual Government: Totalitarian Dictatorship
How This Affects You: Even in a future dominated by perfect utopian conformity there is an underground of radical, free-dressing and free-thinking young individuals determined to beat the system and express themselves, while avoiding the attentions of the government. One day one of them runs you over on their motorcycle.


The Witching Hour
Cause: Harry Potter
Effects: Witches take over the world, children taught to perform magic in school, magic destroys technology, really cool crystals for sale at local Starbucks.
Eventual Government: Theocracy
How This Affects You: Your horoscope suggests that it would be a very good idea to practice pronouncing the names of unspeakable horrors before trying to summon them into your living room.


Apocalypse
Cause: Cubs win the World Series
Effects: Chaos, Anarchy, Riots, People Mauled by Flying Pigs, Hell Freezing Over, End of the World.
Eventual Government: Anarchy
How This Affects You: If you survive the first few days of chaos, you will inevitably be killed when the Earth falls into the Sun at the end of the week.

Total Chaos
Cause: Network television airing of the Michael Moore/Ann Coulter sex video
Effects: Total anarchy, riots in the streets, complete loss of sanity.
Eventual Government: Anarchy
How This Affects You: In a fit of insanity you commit suicide spectacularly by crashing your car into a fuel truck with a burning flamethrower in one hand. Strangely enough, the result is much less painful than watching the video.

The Orderly Future
Cause: Me constructing an army of loyal and powerful robotic soldiers that can take over the world.
Effects: Order in the streets, reduction in crime, mandatory civil service testing out my torture chamber.
Eventual Government: Non-benevolent monarchy
How This Affects You: If you join me now, I will let you pick the torture implement that will be applied to you when you displease me.

Comments

[madra-liath.livejournal.com]

Still, you've got to laugh at the fact that when faced with a physicist and an analyst pointing out what's wrong with his technique, the best he can do is go, "Uh...uh...fallacy! Bullshit! Lalala!"

Problem is, he doesn't want to discuss things. He wants to prove that his interpretation of the text is the correct one - and no-one can know that for sure unless one speaks to the original author and checks with them.