Honduras background
Jul. 6th, 2009 01:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danalwynThe situation in Honduras is increasingly confusing, and most of us have better things to do then spend time learning about it, like mowing the lawn, or sanding bricks, or shoveling gravel, or basically anything. So, just for your convenience, I have written down a timeline of how the whole mess started, so that you don't have to sort through all those annoying "facts" in news broadcasts.
1) Everything starts when one morning Manuel Zelaya woke up and suddenly realized that, not only was he not a rich and successful millionaire playboy who took his battle against crime to the streets in honor of his murdered parents, but that he was actually President of the Honduras, which, in the international scheme of things is sort of like being kneecapped by athletes at the Special Olympics.
2) Having run full tilt into a midlife crisis, Zelaya decided to buy a new car, a hot bike, a night with a glamorous woman in Argentina, but to do that he needed money (you have to pay some pretty hefty loans off for goods like that). Unfortunately, the only job he was qualified for, and that accepted his references, was either as head of Honduras, or CEO of General Motors. Making a smart decision, he opted to try and stay on as President of Honduras.
3) Except that he couldn't, because of that pesky constitution thing. Stupid term limits.
4) So Zelaya decided that, if he couldn't have his cake under the constitution, and eat it too, he was going to use the power of the people to get a whole new constitution. You see, since the constitution comes from people, he was going to get the people to vote him a whole new provision, that would let him be President forever and ever (and pay back the down payment for that saucy tango dancer in Buenos Aires).
5) Well, no, you can't do that, said the Supreme Court, which pointed out that there's no way to amend the Constitution by referendum. In fact, there aren't a lot of ways to do a lot of things in the Honduras constitution, like properly remove the President, or the air freshener in the Congressional Hall, because there's still life in it and damnit, those things are expensive.
6) Chapter 6: In which the President calls the Supreme Court a bunch of poopheads.
7) Oh yeah? the Supreme Court said, Well your Mama so fat-
8) Zelaya decided to hold his referendum even though the Supreme Court had ruled that it was illegal and unconstitutional, even going so far as to lead his supporters to storm a military base and get materials, because having pissed off Congress and the courts, he thought that he might as well piss off the military too. Besides, if the President does it, that means it is not illegal. When they complained, he fired the head of the Army because once you're in a hole that deep, you might as well keep digging.
9) In Soviet Russia, General fires you!
10) Zelaya is deposited in exile, but due to a mixup at O'Hare, his luggage ends up in Bura Buro, and his wardrobe gets missent to Timbuktu, so he's stuck wearing his PJs. Also, nobody comes to pick him up, so he has to try and get a taxi, which is impossible at that time of the morning.
11) Meanwhile, back in Honduras, the interim government solidifies its power, planning to rely on the assistance of Honduras's friends to stabilize the country, and then to embark on a public works program to satisfy the public, forgetting for a moment that:
a) They have no friends
b) They have no money
12) In an emergency, early morning meeting, hundreds of news anchors from all over the world are flown into a special facility in New York where they desperately try to learn how to pronounce "Tegucigalpa" correctly.
13) Hugo Chavez gets his anti-imperialism hat on, denouncing the coup as yanqui imperialism and announcing the start of his new campaign, Just Say No to Yanqui Imperialism, where kids will be taught that it's okay to "Just say no" to gangs of American marines threatening to shoot at them. This new campaign will be partially funded by the Bolivarian Mothers Against American Coups.
14) Not wanting to waste an opportunity to shove Chavez's words up his ass sideways, Obama condemns the coup, leaving Chavez standing there with his mouth open, under a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner.
15) The OAS, who is really pissed that they have to turn back their "X Days Since a Latin America Coup" calendar back to zero, threatens the Honduras that they have to take back Zelaya or not only will they be out of the club, they'll even have to give back the decoder ring.
16) Honduras agrees to take back Zelaya, but only if he gets rid of that ridiculous cowboy hat. Who does he think he is? Dubya?
17) No dice, says Zelaya.
18) Well then fuck off and die*, says the interim government.
* Not really. They actually say it in Spanish.
19) Meanwhile, meeting with European leaders, Obama forms the G-NWDGASAH, the Group of Nations Who Don't Give A Shit About Honduras, or the G-N for short. Members include the US, the EU, China, Japan, and basically every single member nation of the UN, including Botswana, Zimbabwe, Taiwan, Sealand, Narnia, the People's Republic of Berkeley, the People's Democratic Republic of Berkeley, the old homeless guy on 4th and Madison, and even the Chicago Cubs. In fact, every nation joined except for Honduras (not invited), Venezuela (too busy taking down the banner), and Mali (disqualified for trying to join twice).
20) Chavez tries to get Obama stirred up for some military action, but Obama can't stop laughing at Chavez's stupid beret.
21) Chavez tries to get some support from Vladimir Putin, but is foiled because not only do the Russians not have a plan in place for invading Honduras, but they can't even find it on a map.
Putin: Where is this Honduras?
General: I- uh- I-
Putin: Where is it?
General: What-
Putin: Not what! Where?
General: Uh, we-
Putin: Do you speak Russian?
General: What?
Putin: Russian, motherfucker! Do You Speak It?
22) Zelaya, deciding that he's going to go back anyway, even though the government has threatened to arrest him, tar and feather him, and trap him in a room with Jehovah's Witnesses, tries to fly back on a plane, only to find that somebody has left their crap all over the runway. Goddamnit, why doesn't someone clean this shit up?
23) It's your job to look after the kids, Honduras yells at him.
24) They don't do anything he tells them anyway, Zelaya complains, so why should he spend all his time running after them? Anyway, he was thrown out of the house, so it's not his job to clean shit up.
25) Damn right he was thrown out, and he's not coming back in until he cleans his act up.
26) Zelaya flies off into the sunset in the hopes of disappearing for a week to Argentina.
Next week: Excitement and despair! Rioting in the streets! Chavez blustering! Zelaya trying to get into the country, only to be delayed at Heathrow. The dignitaries at the UN trying not to giggle at how the Chinese ambassador pronounces Tegucigalpa. Bonnie may be pregnant with Zack's love child. Also killer monkeys, ninjas, pirates, and still nobody gives a shit about Honduras.
1) Everything starts when one morning Manuel Zelaya woke up and suddenly realized that, not only was he not a rich and successful millionaire playboy who took his battle against crime to the streets in honor of his murdered parents, but that he was actually President of the Honduras, which, in the international scheme of things is sort of like being kneecapped by athletes at the Special Olympics.
2) Having run full tilt into a midlife crisis, Zelaya decided to buy a new car, a hot bike, a night with a glamorous woman in Argentina, but to do that he needed money (you have to pay some pretty hefty loans off for goods like that). Unfortunately, the only job he was qualified for, and that accepted his references, was either as head of Honduras, or CEO of General Motors. Making a smart decision, he opted to try and stay on as President of Honduras.
3) Except that he couldn't, because of that pesky constitution thing. Stupid term limits.
4) So Zelaya decided that, if he couldn't have his cake under the constitution, and eat it too, he was going to use the power of the people to get a whole new constitution. You see, since the constitution comes from people, he was going to get the people to vote him a whole new provision, that would let him be President forever and ever (and pay back the down payment for that saucy tango dancer in Buenos Aires).
5) Well, no, you can't do that, said the Supreme Court, which pointed out that there's no way to amend the Constitution by referendum. In fact, there aren't a lot of ways to do a lot of things in the Honduras constitution, like properly remove the President, or the air freshener in the Congressional Hall, because there's still life in it and damnit, those things are expensive.
6) Chapter 6: In which the President calls the Supreme Court a bunch of poopheads.
7) Oh yeah? the Supreme Court said, Well your Mama so fat-
8) Zelaya decided to hold his referendum even though the Supreme Court had ruled that it was illegal and unconstitutional, even going so far as to lead his supporters to storm a military base and get materials, because having pissed off Congress and the courts, he thought that he might as well piss off the military too. Besides, if the President does it, that means it is not illegal. When they complained, he fired the head of the Army because once you're in a hole that deep, you might as well keep digging.
9) In Soviet Russia, General fires you!
10) Zelaya is deposited in exile, but due to a mixup at O'Hare, his luggage ends up in Bura Buro, and his wardrobe gets missent to Timbuktu, so he's stuck wearing his PJs. Also, nobody comes to pick him up, so he has to try and get a taxi, which is impossible at that time of the morning.
11) Meanwhile, back in Honduras, the interim government solidifies its power, planning to rely on the assistance of Honduras's friends to stabilize the country, and then to embark on a public works program to satisfy the public, forgetting for a moment that:
a) They have no friends
b) They have no money
12) In an emergency, early morning meeting, hundreds of news anchors from all over the world are flown into a special facility in New York where they desperately try to learn how to pronounce "Tegucigalpa" correctly.
13) Hugo Chavez gets his anti-imperialism hat on, denouncing the coup as yanqui imperialism and announcing the start of his new campaign, Just Say No to Yanqui Imperialism, where kids will be taught that it's okay to "Just say no" to gangs of American marines threatening to shoot at them. This new campaign will be partially funded by the Bolivarian Mothers Against American Coups.
14) Not wanting to waste an opportunity to shove Chavez's words up his ass sideways, Obama condemns the coup, leaving Chavez standing there with his mouth open, under a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner.
15) The OAS, who is really pissed that they have to turn back their "X Days Since a Latin America Coup" calendar back to zero, threatens the Honduras that they have to take back Zelaya or not only will they be out of the club, they'll even have to give back the decoder ring.
16) Honduras agrees to take back Zelaya, but only if he gets rid of that ridiculous cowboy hat. Who does he think he is? Dubya?
17) No dice, says Zelaya.
18) Well then fuck off and die*, says the interim government.
* Not really. They actually say it in Spanish.
19) Meanwhile, meeting with European leaders, Obama forms the G-NWDGASAH, the Group of Nations Who Don't Give A Shit About Honduras, or the G-N for short. Members include the US, the EU, China, Japan, and basically every single member nation of the UN, including Botswana, Zimbabwe, Taiwan, Sealand, Narnia, the People's Republic of Berkeley, the People's Democratic Republic of Berkeley, the old homeless guy on 4th and Madison, and even the Chicago Cubs. In fact, every nation joined except for Honduras (not invited), Venezuela (too busy taking down the banner), and Mali (disqualified for trying to join twice).
20) Chavez tries to get Obama stirred up for some military action, but Obama can't stop laughing at Chavez's stupid beret.
21) Chavez tries to get some support from Vladimir Putin, but is foiled because not only do the Russians not have a plan in place for invading Honduras, but they can't even find it on a map.
Putin: Where is this Honduras?
General: I- uh- I-
Putin: Where is it?
General: What-
Putin: Not what! Where?
General: Uh, we-
Putin: Do you speak Russian?
General: What?
Putin: Russian, motherfucker! Do You Speak It?
22) Zelaya, deciding that he's going to go back anyway, even though the government has threatened to arrest him, tar and feather him, and trap him in a room with Jehovah's Witnesses, tries to fly back on a plane, only to find that somebody has left their crap all over the runway. Goddamnit, why doesn't someone clean this shit up?
23) It's your job to look after the kids, Honduras yells at him.
24) They don't do anything he tells them anyway, Zelaya complains, so why should he spend all his time running after them? Anyway, he was thrown out of the house, so it's not his job to clean shit up.
25) Damn right he was thrown out, and he's not coming back in until he cleans his act up.
26) Zelaya flies off into the sunset in the hopes of disappearing for a week to Argentina.
Next week: Excitement and despair! Rioting in the streets! Chavez blustering! Zelaya trying to get into the country, only to be delayed at Heathrow. The dignitaries at the UN trying not to giggle at how the Chinese ambassador pronounces Tegucigalpa. Bonnie may be pregnant with Zack's love child. Also killer monkeys, ninjas, pirates, and still nobody gives a shit about Honduras.