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Dec. 7th, 2006 04:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danalwynBecause I've been feeling the urge to be a bastard.
Every day we get more reports of the chaos in Iraq. Now the Washington Post claims that there are over 100,000 "contractors" in Iraq. Who are all these men, militias, and groups that take up so much time in Iraq? Who are these thugs, revolutionaries, and hockey players who spend their spare time in the land of Mucho Sand? For your enlightenment, I have written down everything the US government does not want you to know about the forces currently operating in the nation of Iraq, complete with their reasoning, their logic, and why the rest of us just should not give a damn.
Pictures exist beyond here.
Name: The Mickey Mouse Club
AKA: The House of Mouse
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Motto: Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? You aren't singing loud enough comrade!
Symbol: Two round black ears on a half circle.
Estimated Numbers: 20,000
Leader: Mickey "The Big Cheese" Mouse
Preferred Method of Killing: Poison Apples
Background: Despite claims of being a peaceful organization, dedicated toward promoting goodwill between children everywhere, the Mickey Mouse Club is actually a secretive neo-fascist organization completely under the personality quote of leader Mickey Mouse, known internally as "The Big Cheese" or "The Big Ears". Over the years, good marketing has allowed them to recruit from ever larger numbers of children and turn them into their elite "Mouseketeers". For years it was suspected that the Mickey Mouse Club was funded by Communist holdovers. Recent reports however indicate that it may be funded by a private individual, suspected to be one of the world's richest men, and known only as "Mr. McDuck".
Known Special Abilities: That goddamn song!
Primary Adversaries: No-Fun-damentalists, US troops, News corporations other than ABC
Logo of the Mickey Mouse Club
Elite mouseketeers disperse Iraqi insurgents near Baghdad
Name: The Justice League of Iraq
AKA: JLA Third String
Alignment: Lawful Good (most of the time)
Motto: Truth, Justice, and the Iraqi way...now with less dictators!
Symbol: Still being negotiated
Estimated Numbers: 5-10 (numbers vary)
Leader: The Earthworm
Preferred Method of Killing: Does not kill (unless Frank Miller is involved)
Background: The new JLI has dreams of moving to America and joining the big leagues, the JLA. However, they are so far down the JLA roster that, in case of an emergency, the Watchtower janitors will be called into action before the new JLI, and are only allowed to keep the name because Superman thinks they're amusing. Nevertheless, Iraq's third string superhero group, including shapeshifter The Earthworm, former Mexican wrestler The Red Mask, former Iraqi stage manager The Black Lantern (whose superpower is the ability to hit people over the head with his lantern), and scantily clad Fem Dervish continue to ally with a wide variety of our of work taxi cab drivers and garbage collectors to keep Iraq safe from the fiendish forces of Blockman, a foreign capitalist invader living in his mother's basement in New York. Convinced of the righteousness of their cause, the JLI has vowed to battle on forever to make the world a better, or at least more amusing, place.
Known Special Abilities: None that you'd want.
Primary Adversaries: Blockman, that guy who keeps robbing the convenience store, the upstairs neighbor.
Even the old JLI got more respect than the new JLI.
Name: CNN
AKA: The Cable News Network, All the News You Need to Know
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Motto: "We make all the news you need to hear"
Symbol: Corporate Logo
Estimated Numbers: 290,000
Leader: Wolf Blitzer
Preferred Method of Killing: Anything that can be caught on camera
Background: CNN's presence in Iraq was low-key all through 2005, until competitor Fox News declared that they were engaging in new "in-depth coverage" of the Iraqi crisis. In retaliation to what the CNN leadership saw as a clear escalation in the news business, CNN declared that they would unilaterally deploy another ten combat brigades to Iraq, bringing the total number of CNN troops in the country up to 290,000. These forces would be deployed to increase CNN camera coverage, further develop storylines in far reaches of the country and, in the worst case, to create more news themselves. Some people see this as a hard line response to accusations by liberal media organizations, many of whom blame CNN leadership for the death of several NBC reporters at a CNN checkpoint earlier this year.
Known Special Abilities: Instant live coverage
Primary Adversaries: Fox News, the US Army, MechaCheney
CNN reports on more CNN trooops entering Baghdad.
Name: The Church of Scientology
AKA: Psychiatry Liberation Front
Alignment: Insane Stupid
Motto: "Psychology is the same as murder!"
Symbol: Freud being shot in the head
Estimated Numbers: 1500
Leader: Tom Cruise
Preferred Method of Killing: Various
Background: While bored on a Sunday afternoon, and recovering from the fact that his psychologist had told him he was a egotistical nutcase, L. Ron Hubbard decided to create a religion. Years later the result is the Church of Scientology, whose elite forces are now sweeping through Iraq, intent on wiping out the remainders of the Freudians. Having arrived in Baghdad unexpectedly in 2004, the Scientologist mission has expanded throughout the years, until their forces range the country at will. Having an agreement with most of the major militia factions, the CoS now maintains regular patrols against the possible re-emergence of the field of psychology.
Currently one of Scientology's highest ranked operatives, Tom Cruise, has taken charge of the situation in Iraq, possibly hiding while his wife recovers from having several cybernetic processors implanted in her brain, or avoiding US officials who wish to question him for his involvement in the murder of talk show host Oprah Winfrey. Oprah has subsequentially returned from the dead, and is claiming to want to press charges.
Known Special Abilities: Completely immune to logic and rational thought
Primary Adversaries: Psychologists, SSP
A video shot of Tom Cruise killing Oprah after she doubted the power of Scientology. Shortly afterwards he left for Iraq.
Name: Society for Stabbing People (SSP)
AKA: Those Crazy Bastards
Alignment: Chaotic Insane
Motto: "I will stab you...in the face!"
Symbol: A man being stabbed in the face.
Estimated Numbers: Unknown
Leader: Sephiroth
Preferred Method of Killing: Surprisingly, drowing in Angst
Background: Attracted by chaos, the SSP has been drawn to Iraq for the past few years by the opportunity to, well, stab people in the face. Lead by the legendary Sephiroth, whose temper is as short as his sword is long, they have seen the recent spate of chaos in the country as a perfect opportunity to spread mayhem wherever they walk. Several attempts by various authorities to reason with Sephiroth have resulted in them being stabbed, in the face. In an attempt to connect with him emotionally, negotiators have looked for people who share a common background with Sephiroth. Recently, US negotiators hired a long time associate of Sephiroth, both in SSP and his former employer, SOLDIER, Cloud Stryfe, in order to open what they hope will be friendly and peaceful negotiations.
Known Special Abilities: They're really good at stabbing people.
Primary Adversaries: JSDF Very Special Forces, MechaCheney
SSP leader Sephiroth preparing to stab you in the face.
Attempts to stop Sephiroth revealed that he is not, in fact, flammable.
Name: The Canadians
AKA: Canadians, eh?
Alignment: Lawful Polite
Motto: "Hockey!"
Symbol: Maple Leaf
Estimated Numbers: 250
Leader: Dudley Do-Right
Preferred Method of Killing: Hockey Stick
Background: Ever since these bloodthirsty barbarians swept out of the sea to occupy the lands of the frozen north, the Canadians have ever desired to conquer the warm and balmly lands of the south. However, when the feared Canadian berserkers swept over the border in 1914 to invade the United States, they found that, unfortunately, the United States was mostly inhabited by Americans. Not wanting to deal with that, the Canadians went home, although they have cast an eager eye south ever since. Nevertheless, the Americans have invited these maple-syrup chugging, hockey playing, winter warriors to participate in the Iraq venture, which many have done eagerly, looking for someplace warmer.
Known Special Abilities: Genetically immune to cold
Primary Adversaries: The US,
A steroid enhanced Canadian soldier keeping watch over a street corner in downtown Baghdad.
Uniform of the elite Canadian Special Forces
Name: Jedi Against the War
AKA: The Hippie Brigade. The Stoned
Alignment: Lawful Hallucinatory
Motto: "Yes I would like some deathsticks."
Symbol: A lightsaber peace sign.
Estimated Numbers: 29 on a good day
Leader: Jammaster Yoda
Preferred Method of Killing: Jedi don't kill, but filleting with a lightsaber is acceptable
Background: The origins of Jedi Against the War stretch back a long time, to the Clone Wars, when an ever larger faction of Jedi began to oppose the war, despite the fact that they were fighting in it. To deal with such blatant contradictions in their moral viewpoint, and with the harm they were doing to the living Force, they turned to the easiest answer possible, Drugs. A few doses of hallucinatory narcotics made dealing the moral conundrum downright trivial. Unfortunately it got most of the Jedi Order wiped out, since they were too stoned to notice themselves being shot in the back.
Recently however JATW have made a comeback, sending volunteers to protest the Iraq War in ever increasing number. Their presence on the ground allows them to monitor the behavior of coalition troops, insurgents, and large numbers of pink elephants reported on the Euphrates plain. US officials have criticized their presence, both because of their interference in the conduct of the war, and the way that drugged-out Jedi occasionally lay waste to entire towns.
Known Special Abilities: They can use the Force. Mind-control techniques do not work on them, as they are too stoned to notice.
Primary Adversaries: Everybody else just ignores them.
Two Jedi celebrating the discovery of some wicked LSD.
Name: Japanese Ground Self Defense Forces
AKA: Oh my God, it's the Japanese again!
Alignment: Lawful Technophile
Motto: "Once we consult with our constitutional lawyers, we will crush you."
Symbol: Red sun happy face
Estimated Numbers: 10,000
Leader: A silhouette on a video screen
Preferred Method of Killing: Slicing you apart with our fearsome swords
Background: Created by the American-sponsored constitution that ended the occupation, the Japanese Ground Self Defense Forces are one of the most elite military forces on the planet, and have the best win:loss record of the past fifty years, mostly because they aren't allowed to fight anybody. So feared were their elite shock troops that the Americans put a line in their constitution stating that the JGSDF could never be used against another human being, and restricted their use against several alien species at the same time. Nevertheless, technological development has allowed the JGSDF to attain a level of material superiority over every other military on Earth, except for the one belonging to Lithuania. Now, with the US avidly supporting them, Japan is prepared to turn its full might against the menace of global terrorism. For Great Justice!
Known Special Abilities: We don't know what the hell they do, but they sound goofy when they do it.
Primary Adversaries: Al-Qaeda, MechaCheney
The JGSDF has shown an increasing reliance in recent years on skyscraper sized robots
A JGSDF trooper reveals the difficulties with the "Ronald McDonald" camoflauge scheme
Name: North Pole Expeditionary Force
AKA: The Elf Boys, Cold Weather Commandos
Alignment: Candycoated Neutral
Motto: "Have you been naughty, or nice?"
Symbol: Pointed Candy Cane
Estimated Numbers: 10,000
Leader: Santa Claus
Preferred Method of Killing: Burning alive in a coal furnace
Background: The Empire of the North Pole is recovering from a tumultuous decade, including the Revolt of the Reindeer Handlers, and the great Elf Civil War of 2005. However the industriousness and magical toy-making abilities of Santa's North Pole workshop have kept it within the great powers of Earth, and it is quite capable of deploying armed forces to Iraq.
Currently it has deployed two brigades to the country in the aftermath of the Elf Civil War. Santa Claus is rumored to be searching for rebels who escaped the north pole during the chaos of the Civil War of 2005. Psychologists have speculated that Santa's deep seated need for control have led him to hunt down all those who were lucky enough to escape his realm. His pursuit of the members of the Polar Elf Liberation Front have left his forces tied down in Iraq, and may be stretching his nation's resources to the limit. Nevertheless he continues to pour more resources into his Iraqi venture, especially now that the PELF forces have been firmly tied down near Ramallah. Fighting between these two groups, and militia forces in the region, has been intense.
Known Special Abilities: Can survive extreme cold. Can produce toys very quickly.
Primary Adversaries: PELF, the Mickey Mouse Club
Someone's getting coal for Christmas
Troops from the NPEF deploy a laser-guided polar bear to attack PELF forces
Name: MechaCheney
AKA: The President, RoboVP
Alignment: Mechanical Evil
Motto: "Guess it's time to make an omelet."
Symbol: US Seal with a deal eagle instead of a live one
Estimated Numbers: 1
Leader: Dick Cheney
Preferred Method of Killing: Breaking some "eggs"
Background: In early 1990 it became clear that the current generation of Republican leadership couldn't live up to the addled example of Ronald Reagan. To overcome this, several oil companies pooled their resources to create the ultimate Presidential Candidate. Unfortunately, something in their research went horribly wrong, and the resultant creature became an insane, bloodthirsty monster, only seeking destruction. Horrified, the executives quickly put Cheney into the most useless position in the world, Vice President of the United States, where it was hoped he would be able to do no harm. However, he exerted an uncanny influence on President George Dubya Bush up until the White House was attacked by members of the SSP (angry at an airplane ban which had forced Sephiroth to check his luggage) when he was stabbed in the face. Unfortunately for both Iraqis and Americans, Bush felt that America could not proceed without Cheney's continued guidance and had the assassination hushed up. In the meantime, a secret development team working for the CIA rebuilt Cheney, incorporating into a giant robotic exoskeleton stolen from the Japanese, creating the most devastating force in the American arsenal.
Today, MechaCheney roams Iraq like a natural disaster, constantly uprooting towns, knocking down skyscrapers, and stepping on people's flower beds. Only the giant robots of the JGSDF, and Sephiroth himself, continue to have any sort of restraining effect upon the Vice President's rampages. Rumors abound, however, that he is reluctant to attack the Basra headquarters of the Japanese Very Special Forces, perhaps on advice of his psychiatrist.
Known Special Abilities: Can survive being stabbed in the face. Is a fifteen story tall weapon of mass destruction for God's sake.
Primary Adversaries: Sephiroth, the JGSDF, and basically everyone else in the country.
No actual images of MechaCheney exist
The aftermath of MechaCheney
JGSDF units in pursuit of MechaCheney
Name: The Polar Elf Liberation Front
AKA: That nutty elf group
Alignment: Chaotic Cute
Motto: "Elves are born free, and they will die free"
Symbol: And elf foot stepping on and breaking a candy cane
Estimated Numbers: 10,000?
Leader: Hermione Granger
Preferred Method of Killing: Battering to death with candy cane
Background: The recent success of the House Elf Liberation Front in the revolution of 2004 sparked a light of hope in the hearts of the downtrodden elves who labored in Santa Claus's North Pole workshop. Absorbing the revolutionary doctrine of self-proclaimed bookworm Hermione Granger, a large faction of elves revolted against the brutal rule of Santa Claus beginning in May of 2005. The sudden uprising surprised the corpulent Santa Claus, but early success did not spell victory. With the industrial might of his workshop behind him, Santa was able to arm his followers with the latest in high-tech weaponry and drove PELF from the North Pole in under a year. Fleeing to Britain, PELF enlisted the aid of Hermione Granger herself to aid them, and, seeking a warmer climate, fled to Iraq.
The arrival of the NPEF in Iraq has resulted in a dangerous situation for the PELF forces, but they are willing to die rather than be taken back to the North Pole. Hopelessly outgunned, they have received increased aid as their plight has become more and more famous around the world, from the original HELF, and from a shaky alliance with another workshop owner, a man referred to as "Keebler". With this aid, PELF has vowed to fight until the bitter end.
Known Special Abilities: Can fix shoes, decorate trees, and hide in fireplaces
Primary Adversaries: NPEF, JGSDF (who have stepped on numerous elves)
The leader of PELF considers the future
Known agents of the Keebler group known to be operating in Iraq.
Name: Japanese Very Special Forces
AKA: Emo Nutcases
Alignment: Insane Stupid
Motto: "Kicking your ass, one flashback at a time."
Symbol: A blank flag
Estimated Numbers: 200?
Leader: There is no leadership
Preferred Method of Killing: Sword
Background: The Japanese Very Special Forces are the elite of the Japanese Self Defense Forces, a group of katana wielding super-powered humans created when the world's largest anime store was exposed to lethal gamma radiation. The end result has been a collection of eclectic personalities with full-blown angst and enough superpowers to turn the rest of the earth into radioactive slag. When not flipping out and killing people they spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get laid, or angsting over their purpose in life. It is rumored that it was the JVSF which defeated the Anti-Christ in the critical battle at Aunt Sally's Diner in St. George, Utah last year. The deployment of this ultra-elite force leaves no doubt as to the depth of Japan's commitment to the Iraqi cause.
Known Special Abilities: Setting oneself on fire. Yelling really weird stuff to make things happen. Angst.
Primary Adversaries: None
JVSF forces prepare to assault an insurgent stronghold.
Setting oneself on fire appears to be a common hobby in the JVSF
The JVSF is rumored to contain Ninjas. Also pirates.
Name: Chuck Norris
AKA: Chuck Norris
Alignment: Chuck Norris
Motto: "What part of 'I'm Chuck fuckin' Norris' did you not understand?"
Symbol: His own face
Estimated Numbers: 1
Leader: None needed
Preferred Method of Killing: Roundhouse kick
Background: Chuck Norris is the result of an experiment with the Super-soldier serum back in the 50s, when the US was trying to produce the ultimate Super-Soldier. However, the Super-soldier serum was unable to deal with the pure awesomeness of Chuck Norris, and all other known samples spontaneously combusted once he was created. Formerly a scraggly thin kid with glasses, Chuck Norris became an invincible warrior with a heart of gold. After fighting in the Cold War against a reanimated zombie Che Guevara, he was put into deep sleep until the situation in Iraq reached crisis proportions, when he was reactivated and sent to war. This marks the first deployment of a Weapon of Incredible Destruction since the US dropped Fred Phelps on North Korea in 1995.
Known Special Abilities: Chuck Norris does not need superpowers
Primary Adversaries: None
Chuck Norris on being reactivated from deep sleep. Moments later he slaughtered everybody in the room. No other pictures currently exist.
Name: Muppet Liberation Front
AKA: The Puppet Patrol
Alignment: Chaotic Fuzzy
Motto: "Puppets of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your strings!"
Symbol: Jim Henson's severed head
Estimated Numbers: 100
Leader: Commander K
Preferred Method of Killing: Explosions
Background: These fun-loving puppets were originally created as part of a diabolical scheme by aged magician Jim Henson, who unfortunately forgot the scheme before it could be completed and used them as slaves instead. Because his magic controlled them he was able to force them to work for him, and to make money for his vast conglomerate by acting on TV. Over the years his control slipped as their fame grew and one of them, now known only as Commander K, managed to obtain access to the complete works of Karl Marx. Within a few years, K had become one of the world's most fervent Communists, arranging disgruntled muppets into a revolutionary strike force. When the time was right, they seized control of Henson's world, and killed Jim Henson.
Since then they have been traveling the world, looking for a place to set up their worker's paradise. The chaos of Iraq has attracted them, as K believes that with the aid of his chief disciplinary officer, Miss P., and special agent Gonzo the Great, they can take control of Iraq and turn it into the Marxist paradise he believes in. They are ruthlessly occupying a swath of the northern edge of the country.
Known Special Abilities: Made of felt, a muppet can survive extraordinary amounts of damage.
Primary Adversaries: Puppet oppressors, whatever their type.
A propoganda image of Commander K
Two muppets remind an associate ducky of the consequences of reactionary behavior.
Hopefully I haven't forgotten to insult anybody.
All images from either Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, or flickr
Every day we get more reports of the chaos in Iraq. Now the Washington Post claims that there are over 100,000 "contractors" in Iraq. Who are all these men, militias, and groups that take up so much time in Iraq? Who are these thugs, revolutionaries, and hockey players who spend their spare time in the land of Mucho Sand? For your enlightenment, I have written down everything the US government does not want you to know about the forces currently operating in the nation of Iraq, complete with their reasoning, their logic, and why the rest of us just should not give a damn.
Pictures exist beyond here.
Name: The Mickey Mouse Club
AKA: The House of Mouse
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Motto: Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? You aren't singing loud enough comrade!
Symbol: Two round black ears on a half circle.
Estimated Numbers: 20,000
Leader: Mickey "The Big Cheese" Mouse
Preferred Method of Killing: Poison Apples
Background: Despite claims of being a peaceful organization, dedicated toward promoting goodwill between children everywhere, the Mickey Mouse Club is actually a secretive neo-fascist organization completely under the personality quote of leader Mickey Mouse, known internally as "The Big Cheese" or "The Big Ears". Over the years, good marketing has allowed them to recruit from ever larger numbers of children and turn them into their elite "Mouseketeers". For years it was suspected that the Mickey Mouse Club was funded by Communist holdovers. Recent reports however indicate that it may be funded by a private individual, suspected to be one of the world's richest men, and known only as "Mr. McDuck".
Known Special Abilities: That goddamn song!
Primary Adversaries: No-Fun-damentalists, US troops, News corporations other than ABC
Logo of the Mickey Mouse Club
Elite mouseketeers disperse Iraqi insurgents near Baghdad
Name: The Justice League of Iraq
AKA: JLA Third String
Alignment: Lawful Good (most of the time)
Motto: Truth, Justice, and the Iraqi way...now with less dictators!
Symbol: Still being negotiated
Estimated Numbers: 5-10 (numbers vary)
Leader: The Earthworm
Preferred Method of Killing: Does not kill (unless Frank Miller is involved)
Background: The new JLI has dreams of moving to America and joining the big leagues, the JLA. However, they are so far down the JLA roster that, in case of an emergency, the Watchtower janitors will be called into action before the new JLI, and are only allowed to keep the name because Superman thinks they're amusing. Nevertheless, Iraq's third string superhero group, including shapeshifter The Earthworm, former Mexican wrestler The Red Mask, former Iraqi stage manager The Black Lantern (whose superpower is the ability to hit people over the head with his lantern), and scantily clad Fem Dervish continue to ally with a wide variety of our of work taxi cab drivers and garbage collectors to keep Iraq safe from the fiendish forces of Blockman, a foreign capitalist invader living in his mother's basement in New York. Convinced of the righteousness of their cause, the JLI has vowed to battle on forever to make the world a better, or at least more amusing, place.
Known Special Abilities: None that you'd want.
Primary Adversaries: Blockman, that guy who keeps robbing the convenience store, the upstairs neighbor.
Even the old JLI got more respect than the new JLI.
Name: CNN
AKA: The Cable News Network, All the News You Need to Know
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Motto: "We make all the news you need to hear"
Symbol: Corporate Logo
Estimated Numbers: 290,000
Leader: Wolf Blitzer
Preferred Method of Killing: Anything that can be caught on camera
Background: CNN's presence in Iraq was low-key all through 2005, until competitor Fox News declared that they were engaging in new "in-depth coverage" of the Iraqi crisis. In retaliation to what the CNN leadership saw as a clear escalation in the news business, CNN declared that they would unilaterally deploy another ten combat brigades to Iraq, bringing the total number of CNN troops in the country up to 290,000. These forces would be deployed to increase CNN camera coverage, further develop storylines in far reaches of the country and, in the worst case, to create more news themselves. Some people see this as a hard line response to accusations by liberal media organizations, many of whom blame CNN leadership for the death of several NBC reporters at a CNN checkpoint earlier this year.
Known Special Abilities: Instant live coverage
Primary Adversaries: Fox News, the US Army, MechaCheney
CNN reports on more CNN trooops entering Baghdad.
Name: The Church of Scientology
AKA: Psychiatry Liberation Front
Alignment: Insane Stupid
Motto: "Psychology is the same as murder!"
Symbol: Freud being shot in the head
Estimated Numbers: 1500
Leader: Tom Cruise
Preferred Method of Killing: Various
Background: While bored on a Sunday afternoon, and recovering from the fact that his psychologist had told him he was a egotistical nutcase, L. Ron Hubbard decided to create a religion. Years later the result is the Church of Scientology, whose elite forces are now sweeping through Iraq, intent on wiping out the remainders of the Freudians. Having arrived in Baghdad unexpectedly in 2004, the Scientologist mission has expanded throughout the years, until their forces range the country at will. Having an agreement with most of the major militia factions, the CoS now maintains regular patrols against the possible re-emergence of the field of psychology.
Currently one of Scientology's highest ranked operatives, Tom Cruise, has taken charge of the situation in Iraq, possibly hiding while his wife recovers from having several cybernetic processors implanted in her brain, or avoiding US officials who wish to question him for his involvement in the murder of talk show host Oprah Winfrey. Oprah has subsequentially returned from the dead, and is claiming to want to press charges.
Known Special Abilities: Completely immune to logic and rational thought
Primary Adversaries: Psychologists, SSP
A video shot of Tom Cruise killing Oprah after she doubted the power of Scientology. Shortly afterwards he left for Iraq.
Name: Society for Stabbing People (SSP)
AKA: Those Crazy Bastards
Alignment: Chaotic Insane
Motto: "I will stab you...in the face!"
Symbol: A man being stabbed in the face.
Estimated Numbers: Unknown
Leader: Sephiroth
Preferred Method of Killing: Surprisingly, drowing in Angst
Background: Attracted by chaos, the SSP has been drawn to Iraq for the past few years by the opportunity to, well, stab people in the face. Lead by the legendary Sephiroth, whose temper is as short as his sword is long, they have seen the recent spate of chaos in the country as a perfect opportunity to spread mayhem wherever they walk. Several attempts by various authorities to reason with Sephiroth have resulted in them being stabbed, in the face. In an attempt to connect with him emotionally, negotiators have looked for people who share a common background with Sephiroth. Recently, US negotiators hired a long time associate of Sephiroth, both in SSP and his former employer, SOLDIER, Cloud Stryfe, in order to open what they hope will be friendly and peaceful negotiations.
Known Special Abilities: They're really good at stabbing people.
Primary Adversaries: JSDF Very Special Forces, MechaCheney
SSP leader Sephiroth preparing to stab you in the face.
Attempts to stop Sephiroth revealed that he is not, in fact, flammable.
Name: The Canadians
AKA: Canadians, eh?
Alignment: Lawful Polite
Motto: "Hockey!"
Symbol: Maple Leaf
Estimated Numbers: 250
Leader: Dudley Do-Right
Preferred Method of Killing: Hockey Stick
Background: Ever since these bloodthirsty barbarians swept out of the sea to occupy the lands of the frozen north, the Canadians have ever desired to conquer the warm and balmly lands of the south. However, when the feared Canadian berserkers swept over the border in 1914 to invade the United States, they found that, unfortunately, the United States was mostly inhabited by Americans. Not wanting to deal with that, the Canadians went home, although they have cast an eager eye south ever since. Nevertheless, the Americans have invited these maple-syrup chugging, hockey playing, winter warriors to participate in the Iraq venture, which many have done eagerly, looking for someplace warmer.
Known Special Abilities: Genetically immune to cold
Primary Adversaries: The US,
A steroid enhanced Canadian soldier keeping watch over a street corner in downtown Baghdad.
Uniform of the elite Canadian Special Forces
Name: Jedi Against the War
AKA: The Hippie Brigade. The Stoned
Alignment: Lawful Hallucinatory
Motto: "Yes I would like some deathsticks."
Symbol: A lightsaber peace sign.
Estimated Numbers: 29 on a good day
Leader: Jammaster Yoda
Preferred Method of Killing: Jedi don't kill, but filleting with a lightsaber is acceptable
Background: The origins of Jedi Against the War stretch back a long time, to the Clone Wars, when an ever larger faction of Jedi began to oppose the war, despite the fact that they were fighting in it. To deal with such blatant contradictions in their moral viewpoint, and with the harm they were doing to the living Force, they turned to the easiest answer possible, Drugs. A few doses of hallucinatory narcotics made dealing the moral conundrum downright trivial. Unfortunately it got most of the Jedi Order wiped out, since they were too stoned to notice themselves being shot in the back.
Recently however JATW have made a comeback, sending volunteers to protest the Iraq War in ever increasing number. Their presence on the ground allows them to monitor the behavior of coalition troops, insurgents, and large numbers of pink elephants reported on the Euphrates plain. US officials have criticized their presence, both because of their interference in the conduct of the war, and the way that drugged-out Jedi occasionally lay waste to entire towns.
Known Special Abilities: They can use the Force. Mind-control techniques do not work on them, as they are too stoned to notice.
Primary Adversaries: Everybody else just ignores them.
Two Jedi celebrating the discovery of some wicked LSD.
Name: Japanese Ground Self Defense Forces
AKA: Oh my God, it's the Japanese again!
Alignment: Lawful Technophile
Motto: "Once we consult with our constitutional lawyers, we will crush you."
Symbol: Red sun happy face
Estimated Numbers: 10,000
Leader: A silhouette on a video screen
Preferred Method of Killing: Slicing you apart with our fearsome swords
Background: Created by the American-sponsored constitution that ended the occupation, the Japanese Ground Self Defense Forces are one of the most elite military forces on the planet, and have the best win:loss record of the past fifty years, mostly because they aren't allowed to fight anybody. So feared were their elite shock troops that the Americans put a line in their constitution stating that the JGSDF could never be used against another human being, and restricted their use against several alien species at the same time. Nevertheless, technological development has allowed the JGSDF to attain a level of material superiority over every other military on Earth, except for the one belonging to Lithuania. Now, with the US avidly supporting them, Japan is prepared to turn its full might against the menace of global terrorism. For Great Justice!
Known Special Abilities: We don't know what the hell they do, but they sound goofy when they do it.
Primary Adversaries: Al-Qaeda, MechaCheney
The JGSDF has shown an increasing reliance in recent years on skyscraper sized robots
A JGSDF trooper reveals the difficulties with the "Ronald McDonald" camoflauge scheme
Name: North Pole Expeditionary Force
AKA: The Elf Boys, Cold Weather Commandos
Alignment: Candycoated Neutral
Motto: "Have you been naughty, or nice?"
Symbol: Pointed Candy Cane
Estimated Numbers: 10,000
Leader: Santa Claus
Preferred Method of Killing: Burning alive in a coal furnace
Background: The Empire of the North Pole is recovering from a tumultuous decade, including the Revolt of the Reindeer Handlers, and the great Elf Civil War of 2005. However the industriousness and magical toy-making abilities of Santa's North Pole workshop have kept it within the great powers of Earth, and it is quite capable of deploying armed forces to Iraq.
Currently it has deployed two brigades to the country in the aftermath of the Elf Civil War. Santa Claus is rumored to be searching for rebels who escaped the north pole during the chaos of the Civil War of 2005. Psychologists have speculated that Santa's deep seated need for control have led him to hunt down all those who were lucky enough to escape his realm. His pursuit of the members of the Polar Elf Liberation Front have left his forces tied down in Iraq, and may be stretching his nation's resources to the limit. Nevertheless he continues to pour more resources into his Iraqi venture, especially now that the PELF forces have been firmly tied down near Ramallah. Fighting between these two groups, and militia forces in the region, has been intense.
Known Special Abilities: Can survive extreme cold. Can produce toys very quickly.
Primary Adversaries: PELF, the Mickey Mouse Club
Someone's getting coal for Christmas
Troops from the NPEF deploy a laser-guided polar bear to attack PELF forces
Name: MechaCheney
AKA: The President, RoboVP
Alignment: Mechanical Evil
Motto: "Guess it's time to make an omelet."
Symbol: US Seal with a deal eagle instead of a live one
Estimated Numbers: 1
Leader: Dick Cheney
Preferred Method of Killing: Breaking some "eggs"
Background: In early 1990 it became clear that the current generation of Republican leadership couldn't live up to the addled example of Ronald Reagan. To overcome this, several oil companies pooled their resources to create the ultimate Presidential Candidate. Unfortunately, something in their research went horribly wrong, and the resultant creature became an insane, bloodthirsty monster, only seeking destruction. Horrified, the executives quickly put Cheney into the most useless position in the world, Vice President of the United States, where it was hoped he would be able to do no harm. However, he exerted an uncanny influence on President George Dubya Bush up until the White House was attacked by members of the SSP (angry at an airplane ban which had forced Sephiroth to check his luggage) when he was stabbed in the face. Unfortunately for both Iraqis and Americans, Bush felt that America could not proceed without Cheney's continued guidance and had the assassination hushed up. In the meantime, a secret development team working for the CIA rebuilt Cheney, incorporating into a giant robotic exoskeleton stolen from the Japanese, creating the most devastating force in the American arsenal.
Today, MechaCheney roams Iraq like a natural disaster, constantly uprooting towns, knocking down skyscrapers, and stepping on people's flower beds. Only the giant robots of the JGSDF, and Sephiroth himself, continue to have any sort of restraining effect upon the Vice President's rampages. Rumors abound, however, that he is reluctant to attack the Basra headquarters of the Japanese Very Special Forces, perhaps on advice of his psychiatrist.
Known Special Abilities: Can survive being stabbed in the face. Is a fifteen story tall weapon of mass destruction for God's sake.
Primary Adversaries: Sephiroth, the JGSDF, and basically everyone else in the country.
No actual images of MechaCheney exist
The aftermath of MechaCheney
JGSDF units in pursuit of MechaCheney
Name: The Polar Elf Liberation Front
AKA: That nutty elf group
Alignment: Chaotic Cute
Motto: "Elves are born free, and they will die free"
Symbol: And elf foot stepping on and breaking a candy cane
Estimated Numbers: 10,000?
Leader: Hermione Granger
Preferred Method of Killing: Battering to death with candy cane
Background: The recent success of the House Elf Liberation Front in the revolution of 2004 sparked a light of hope in the hearts of the downtrodden elves who labored in Santa Claus's North Pole workshop. Absorbing the revolutionary doctrine of self-proclaimed bookworm Hermione Granger, a large faction of elves revolted against the brutal rule of Santa Claus beginning in May of 2005. The sudden uprising surprised the corpulent Santa Claus, but early success did not spell victory. With the industrial might of his workshop behind him, Santa was able to arm his followers with the latest in high-tech weaponry and drove PELF from the North Pole in under a year. Fleeing to Britain, PELF enlisted the aid of Hermione Granger herself to aid them, and, seeking a warmer climate, fled to Iraq.
The arrival of the NPEF in Iraq has resulted in a dangerous situation for the PELF forces, but they are willing to die rather than be taken back to the North Pole. Hopelessly outgunned, they have received increased aid as their plight has become more and more famous around the world, from the original HELF, and from a shaky alliance with another workshop owner, a man referred to as "Keebler". With this aid, PELF has vowed to fight until the bitter end.
Known Special Abilities: Can fix shoes, decorate trees, and hide in fireplaces
Primary Adversaries: NPEF, JGSDF (who have stepped on numerous elves)
The leader of PELF considers the future
Known agents of the Keebler group known to be operating in Iraq.
Name: Japanese Very Special Forces
AKA: Emo Nutcases
Alignment: Insane Stupid
Motto: "Kicking your ass, one flashback at a time."
Symbol: A blank flag
Estimated Numbers: 200?
Leader: There is no leadership
Preferred Method of Killing: Sword
Background: The Japanese Very Special Forces are the elite of the Japanese Self Defense Forces, a group of katana wielding super-powered humans created when the world's largest anime store was exposed to lethal gamma radiation. The end result has been a collection of eclectic personalities with full-blown angst and enough superpowers to turn the rest of the earth into radioactive slag. When not flipping out and killing people they spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get laid, or angsting over their purpose in life. It is rumored that it was the JVSF which defeated the Anti-Christ in the critical battle at Aunt Sally's Diner in St. George, Utah last year. The deployment of this ultra-elite force leaves no doubt as to the depth of Japan's commitment to the Iraqi cause.
Known Special Abilities: Setting oneself on fire. Yelling really weird stuff to make things happen. Angst.
Primary Adversaries: None
JVSF forces prepare to assault an insurgent stronghold.
Setting oneself on fire appears to be a common hobby in the JVSF
The JVSF is rumored to contain Ninjas. Also pirates.
Name: Chuck Norris
AKA: Chuck Norris
Alignment: Chuck Norris
Motto: "What part of 'I'm Chuck fuckin' Norris' did you not understand?"
Symbol: His own face
Estimated Numbers: 1
Leader: None needed
Preferred Method of Killing: Roundhouse kick
Background: Chuck Norris is the result of an experiment with the Super-soldier serum back in the 50s, when the US was trying to produce the ultimate Super-Soldier. However, the Super-soldier serum was unable to deal with the pure awesomeness of Chuck Norris, and all other known samples spontaneously combusted once he was created. Formerly a scraggly thin kid with glasses, Chuck Norris became an invincible warrior with a heart of gold. After fighting in the Cold War against a reanimated zombie Che Guevara, he was put into deep sleep until the situation in Iraq reached crisis proportions, when he was reactivated and sent to war. This marks the first deployment of a Weapon of Incredible Destruction since the US dropped Fred Phelps on North Korea in 1995.
Known Special Abilities: Chuck Norris does not need superpowers
Primary Adversaries: None
Chuck Norris on being reactivated from deep sleep. Moments later he slaughtered everybody in the room. No other pictures currently exist.
Name: Muppet Liberation Front
AKA: The Puppet Patrol
Alignment: Chaotic Fuzzy
Motto: "Puppets of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your strings!"
Symbol: Jim Henson's severed head
Estimated Numbers: 100
Leader: Commander K
Preferred Method of Killing: Explosions
Background: These fun-loving puppets were originally created as part of a diabolical scheme by aged magician Jim Henson, who unfortunately forgot the scheme before it could be completed and used them as slaves instead. Because his magic controlled them he was able to force them to work for him, and to make money for his vast conglomerate by acting on TV. Over the years his control slipped as their fame grew and one of them, now known only as Commander K, managed to obtain access to the complete works of Karl Marx. Within a few years, K had become one of the world's most fervent Communists, arranging disgruntled muppets into a revolutionary strike force. When the time was right, they seized control of Henson's world, and killed Jim Henson.
Since then they have been traveling the world, looking for a place to set up their worker's paradise. The chaos of Iraq has attracted them, as K believes that with the aid of his chief disciplinary officer, Miss P., and special agent Gonzo the Great, they can take control of Iraq and turn it into the Marxist paradise he believes in. They are ruthlessly occupying a swath of the northern edge of the country.
Known Special Abilities: Made of felt, a muppet can survive extraordinary amounts of damage.
Primary Adversaries: Puppet oppressors, whatever their type.
A propoganda image of Commander K
Two muppets remind an associate ducky of the consequences of reactionary behavior.
Hopefully I haven't forgotten to insult anybody.
All images from either Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, or flickr