Open Letter II
Jun. 19th, 2013 08:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danalwynLetter published as received:
To the members of the American Intelligence Community,
I feel I should say a few words of introduction to establish the seriousness of this complaint. Unlike most of those hippie protesters who have been sending you daily mail with half the words misspelled, I am a man of both import and business. Over the years I have single-handedly moved Lexcorp into a position of dominance in the business world, not only establishing a world-renown technological industry with the fruit of my own research, but also guiding my company through a series of deals and mergers that eventually turned us into the keystone of the American economy. Frankly, if it were not for that meddling Kryptonian alien, I would probably be President of Earth by now.
I say this not to brag, because I have no need of such, but because I want to establish the depth of experience that I am bringing to this question. Unlike you people, who have barely managed to figure out how a telephone works, I have invented entire surveillance networks, run a Fortune 500 company, dominated the American economy, and managed to retain enough public support to even be elected President of the United States, while at the same time engaging in a long string of unsavory experiments, destructive public works projects, and the occasional day when I tried to take over the world while fighting the entire Justice League using a suit of alien battle armor. Suffice it to say, I am an authority in almost every field where you are authorities in basically none.
So, I am writing to you regarding your new “PRISM” project, whatever it may be. I can understand the impetus behind it; there was a time when I also entertained notions of such minor petty projects to overthrow the rulership of the foolish masses. Of course with me it was when I was twelve. I had moved on to better projects by the age of fifteen, but not everyone can be so gifted. And of course I can understand why you hate and despise freedom, and applaud the fact that you recognize that the world would be better off in the hands of its natural leaders (which, by the way, does not include you. You will be informed of your position in the New World Order once we get around to it). But regardless of the intent and effects of your little scheme, I must inform you of a simple fact.
You are bad at Powerpoint. Stop. Just Stop. You’re giving perfectly reasonable self-respecting villains a bad name.
I mean, seriously, you actually presented that? With a straight face? That is horrible. It is awful. The colors do not match at all. Every slide is crowded with useless crap. You have an ugly project logo stuck awkwardly in one corner like a five year old started slapping his sticker collection on the slides. You top every slide with a horrible hodgepodge of corporate names that looks like someone got their image tags screwed up. You even put the AOL logo on the top of a National Security presentation. AOL? Where are you? 1998?
If even one of my employees dared to present a slideshow of this poor quality, I would not only have that employee terminated, I would activate the subsidiary clause in their employment contract that allows me to ship them off to a third-world country and have them shot and buried in a mass grave. If a middle school student turned this in as a final presentation, I would personally buy their school district and bring back corporal punishment simply to deal with them. If this slideshow was a webpage, the only place that would host it would have been geocities. It is a garish mix of colors and images that looks like it was created by someone who has just discovered clip art for the first time.
I should not need to tell you what effect this mockery has had on the Secret Society of Super-Villains. The existence of this embarrassment has derailed at least two far superior schemes to take over the world. You have inspired in us a lethargic depression that the Justice League has never been able to create. Even Captain Boomerang is embarrassed at being associated with this … travesty (honestly I have nothing against the man myself, he does a fine barbecue, but when Captain Boomerang is embarrassed at being associated with you perhaps you should rethink your scheme). The only one of us unaffected by this malaise is the Joker, and when the only person who supports your scheme is the Joker perhaps its time to reconsider your approach.
The last time I tried to take over the world and Superman discovered my plans, he had the temerity to ask if he should put the Yahoo! logo across the top of my slides. The presumption. I will not stand for mockery against me, or those who engender it.
None of us have too many problems with your scheme, of course. We are the rich and the powerful and control this nation, and you are simply doing your part to keep us in charge. We understand that, even if your scheme is rather amateurish and a product of your own delusions. But evil has standards. We expect a certain level of professionalism from our employees and associates, and this attempt to outsource your planning to some group of developmentally disabled first-graders is an affront to your associates. We demand you increase your standards immediately or we will have no choice but to remove the perks of your position, including your subscription to Villains Monthly, your invitation to the annual picnic, and your right to not be arrested and sentenced to hard labor once we finally do away with this democracy thing once and for all.
Lex Luthor,
President and CEO, Lexcorp,
Chairman, Secret Society of Super-Villains,
P.S. AOL? Seriously? Have any of you even used the internet since 2005? I suppose I should be grateful you did not put MySpace on there, but you probably have not heard of it yet.
To the members of the American Intelligence Community,
I feel I should say a few words of introduction to establish the seriousness of this complaint. Unlike most of those hippie protesters who have been sending you daily mail with half the words misspelled, I am a man of both import and business. Over the years I have single-handedly moved Lexcorp into a position of dominance in the business world, not only establishing a world-renown technological industry with the fruit of my own research, but also guiding my company through a series of deals and mergers that eventually turned us into the keystone of the American economy. Frankly, if it were not for that meddling Kryptonian alien, I would probably be President of Earth by now.
I say this not to brag, because I have no need of such, but because I want to establish the depth of experience that I am bringing to this question. Unlike you people, who have barely managed to figure out how a telephone works, I have invented entire surveillance networks, run a Fortune 500 company, dominated the American economy, and managed to retain enough public support to even be elected President of the United States, while at the same time engaging in a long string of unsavory experiments, destructive public works projects, and the occasional day when I tried to take over the world while fighting the entire Justice League using a suit of alien battle armor. Suffice it to say, I am an authority in almost every field where you are authorities in basically none.
So, I am writing to you regarding your new “PRISM” project, whatever it may be. I can understand the impetus behind it; there was a time when I also entertained notions of such minor petty projects to overthrow the rulership of the foolish masses. Of course with me it was when I was twelve. I had moved on to better projects by the age of fifteen, but not everyone can be so gifted. And of course I can understand why you hate and despise freedom, and applaud the fact that you recognize that the world would be better off in the hands of its natural leaders (which, by the way, does not include you. You will be informed of your position in the New World Order once we get around to it). But regardless of the intent and effects of your little scheme, I must inform you of a simple fact.
You are bad at Powerpoint. Stop. Just Stop. You’re giving perfectly reasonable self-respecting villains a bad name.
I mean, seriously, you actually presented that? With a straight face? That is horrible. It is awful. The colors do not match at all. Every slide is crowded with useless crap. You have an ugly project logo stuck awkwardly in one corner like a five year old started slapping his sticker collection on the slides. You top every slide with a horrible hodgepodge of corporate names that looks like someone got their image tags screwed up. You even put the AOL logo on the top of a National Security presentation. AOL? Where are you? 1998?
If even one of my employees dared to present a slideshow of this poor quality, I would not only have that employee terminated, I would activate the subsidiary clause in their employment contract that allows me to ship them off to a third-world country and have them shot and buried in a mass grave. If a middle school student turned this in as a final presentation, I would personally buy their school district and bring back corporal punishment simply to deal with them. If this slideshow was a webpage, the only place that would host it would have been geocities. It is a garish mix of colors and images that looks like it was created by someone who has just discovered clip art for the first time.
I should not need to tell you what effect this mockery has had on the Secret Society of Super-Villains. The existence of this embarrassment has derailed at least two far superior schemes to take over the world. You have inspired in us a lethargic depression that the Justice League has never been able to create. Even Captain Boomerang is embarrassed at being associated with this … travesty (honestly I have nothing against the man myself, he does a fine barbecue, but when Captain Boomerang is embarrassed at being associated with you perhaps you should rethink your scheme). The only one of us unaffected by this malaise is the Joker, and when the only person who supports your scheme is the Joker perhaps its time to reconsider your approach.
The last time I tried to take over the world and Superman discovered my plans, he had the temerity to ask if he should put the Yahoo! logo across the top of my slides. The presumption. I will not stand for mockery against me, or those who engender it.
None of us have too many problems with your scheme, of course. We are the rich and the powerful and control this nation, and you are simply doing your part to keep us in charge. We understand that, even if your scheme is rather amateurish and a product of your own delusions. But evil has standards. We expect a certain level of professionalism from our employees and associates, and this attempt to outsource your planning to some group of developmentally disabled first-graders is an affront to your associates. We demand you increase your standards immediately or we will have no choice but to remove the perks of your position, including your subscription to Villains Monthly, your invitation to the annual picnic, and your right to not be arrested and sentenced to hard labor once we finally do away with this democracy thing once and for all.
Lex Luthor,
President and CEO, Lexcorp,
Chairman, Secret Society of Super-Villains,
P.S. AOL? Seriously? Have any of you even used the internet since 2005? I suppose I should be grateful you did not put MySpace on there, but you probably have not heard of it yet.