danalwyn

The National Weather Service has issued a Holy Fuck We're Serious weather warning for the Chicagoland area due to Armageddon until November, 2011. Weather is expected to directly oscillate between extremely hot weather and severe thunderstorms. During hot spells temperatures are expected to rise to the mid- to upper- nineties with extremely high humidities and heat indicies well into the 100-110 degree range and is expected to cause a wide range of health complications to people fourteen years of age and below, and those fifteen years of age and above. This will seamlessly transition into severe thunderstorms, accompanied by torrential downpours, leading to downed power lines, traffic accidents, flooding and standing water in every surface depression. During rainstorms we expect visibility to drop below one foot, and any area remotely near a flowing body of water to be swept away.

Chicago residents are advised to stay indoors and not go outside until probably November, 2011 (October if you have to, but that's pushing it). If you must go outside, travel only in insulated, air conditioned, amphibious vehicles, and always have both a life vest and nearby shelter in case of emergency.