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War Czar
So, this is old news, but the President has decided to create a new position, the War Czar. That's right, after several years of stumbling around aimlessly in Iraq and Afghanistan, after five or six different military plans were flushed down the toilet, we're finally getting someone who will be in charge of the war effort. They will be in charge of coordinating strategic operations, negotiating with the locals, and, most importantly, taking the blame for everything that goes wrong.
The problem is that there already is a War Czar. He lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. His office is shaped like an oval. It is fundamentally the job of the President of the United States to unify our political, economic, and military strategy in time of war and guarantee that we have a coherent plan. It is his duty, and nobody else's, to see to the proper pursuit and execution of the war, to assure that we do have a plan not only for fighting enemies, but for leaving the world a better place than we found it.
Of course, one can't expect such planning from Dubya. It's not his style. So, after several years of grubbing around in the dirt, he's decided to find someone to do it for him. Except that he can't seem to find any volunteers. The generals have all deserted him. Perhaps they don't want to be part of a nebulously defined post, whose only job seems to be to look over Petraeus's shoulder. Perhaps they understand that a position without widespread unification of civilian and military aims is useless. Or perhaps they're not interested in taking the blame for everything Dubya does wrong.
So, the White House is out looking for new candidates, and I've found the list. That's right, below this cut is the list of people being considered for the War Czar position. Which one of these uniquely qualified people will be the next (and first) head of our war strategy? And, more importantly, how do we vote some of them off the island?
Donald Trump
Occupation: Television Star
Current Residence: Wherever he damn well wants.
Pros: A savvy financial whiz and demanded executive, the Donald clearly knows how to get a punch of squares to get up and dance. Give him a few chances to crack the whip, and he'll have Sunnis, Shi'a, and Kurds all lining up to get down to business, else the last thing they'll hear is "You're Fired!"
Cons: Has no actual military experience. Since this has, so far, not been a handicap in this administration, it presents no real difficulty.
Chances: Low. His current job pays much better. And he doesn't have to deal with a bunch of people who speak funny languages.
Tom Cruise
Occupation: Serial Wacko
Current Residence: In Hiding
Pros: For too many years, Muslims around the world have protested that this whole Iraq affair is nothing more than a Christian attempt to bring their religion into the Middle East by force. Well, we can change that. We can put the controls to the Iraqi war in the hands of someone who is a fervent adherent to a religion that is so batshit insane that nobody can take it seriously. I mean, think about it. Operating Thetans? Xenu and hydrogen bombs in volcanoes? Not even a bunch of bearded Islamic scholars can talk about being converted to that with a straight face.
Cons: Tom Cruise is totally, absolutely, and completely batshit insane. He might do something very politically inconvenient, like get a couple thousand troops killed, or, even worse, say something unflattering about the President.
Chances: Low. He needs to stay in the US until they finish programming his new OT module.
Harry Potter
Occupation: Student
Current Residence: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Pros: There comes a time when we need a leader, not another political ass-coverer, but a popular, dynamic, and well-loved individual who is capable of getting his hands dirty, confronting evil, and, if necessary, speaking in ALL CAPS. Enter Harry Potter, boy wizard extraordinaire, champion of good, and heartthrob to thousand of fangirls (and some fanboys) across the world. Mr. Potter may still be in school, but if he emerges intact from his final year, he'll be the perfect candidate to take over the war in Iraq. Not only has he saved the entire magical world from the deadly peril of Lord Voldemort, but he has also saved the publishing industry from despair. There's no way a few insurgents can stop him.
Cons: First, he's British. Second, he's too young. And third, he seems to have some strange moral qualm about being used by politicians.
Chances: Low. We can't even find him, let alone appoint him to head the war effort.
Lex Luthor
Occupation: Evil Genius
Current Residence: Metropolis
Pros: If there were a man tailor-made for the job, it's noted genius Lex Luthor. Mr. Luthor is a well-respected businessman with widespread commercial interests across the globe, an expert manager, and able to turn a profit, all traits necessary to function in this administration. Additionally, he also has a large amount of experience commanding quasi-military organizations, and in executing military maneuvers. An expert at manipulating, backstabbing, and getting the most out of every dollar that passes his desk, Luthor is ideal for the job.
Cons: Luthor is, at heart, an evil mastermind bent on worldwide domination. In this manner he may be too close in personality to Dick Cheney, causing inner strife in the White House.
Chances: High. Luthor, it is rumored, desires the position as a stepping stone to becoming President himself. In that case, it's unlikely that anybody will stand in his way for long.
Darth Vader
Occupation: Dark Lord of the Sith
Current Residence: Coruscant
Pros: A dynamic, imposing figure, Vader is an obvious choice for position of War Czar. His experience as a leader in the Clone Wars, and subsequently leading a major military force during the Galactic Civil War gives him impeccable credentials. As a political leader during this turbulent time, his unique style of diplomatic negotiations brought many potential adversaries to a cessation of hostilities. Rumored to be nearly immune to physical assault, he is indeed a formidable person to place in the midst of the bomb blasts of Baghdad.
Cons: He keeps talking about faith, usually in terms of how much other people lack. Also, ever since his son redeemed him from evil, he's been kind of a wuss.
Chances: Moderate. His name has been floated often, but he always responds with some garbage about "teaching your pathetic nation the true power of the Dark Side". If he doesn't make it as War Czar, the President may make him the Press Secretary.
Jesus Christ
Occupation: Messiah
Current Residence: Varies. Temporarily in Darfur.
Pros: The Prince of Peace, the Son of God, Jesus Christ is so popular and divinely charismatic that there's even a religion based on him. He's known to have performed many miracles during his time on this Earth, including raising the dead, turning water into wine, and managing to order pizza for twenty-three people at the same time without having them argue over the toppings. His presence is so divinely magnificent, it's almost guaranteed that he can get the many ethnic, religious, and political groups in Iraq to start talking to each other.
Cons: He's into that communist, hippie "Love Thy Neighbor" bullshit.
Chances: Low. He has repeatedly snubbed the Administration, reportedly being too busy ministering to the sick, the poor, and the needy to respond to their queries. Yeah, as if anybody ever does that in this day and age.
The problem is that there already is a War Czar. He lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. His office is shaped like an oval. It is fundamentally the job of the President of the United States to unify our political, economic, and military strategy in time of war and guarantee that we have a coherent plan. It is his duty, and nobody else's, to see to the proper pursuit and execution of the war, to assure that we do have a plan not only for fighting enemies, but for leaving the world a better place than we found it.
Of course, one can't expect such planning from Dubya. It's not his style. So, after several years of grubbing around in the dirt, he's decided to find someone to do it for him. Except that he can't seem to find any volunteers. The generals have all deserted him. Perhaps they don't want to be part of a nebulously defined post, whose only job seems to be to look over Petraeus's shoulder. Perhaps they understand that a position without widespread unification of civilian and military aims is useless. Or perhaps they're not interested in taking the blame for everything Dubya does wrong.
So, the White House is out looking for new candidates, and I've found the list. That's right, below this cut is the list of people being considered for the War Czar position. Which one of these uniquely qualified people will be the next (and first) head of our war strategy? And, more importantly, how do we vote some of them off the island?
Donald Trump
Occupation: Television Star
Current Residence: Wherever he damn well wants.
Pros: A savvy financial whiz and demanded executive, the Donald clearly knows how to get a punch of squares to get up and dance. Give him a few chances to crack the whip, and he'll have Sunnis, Shi'a, and Kurds all lining up to get down to business, else the last thing they'll hear is "You're Fired!"
Cons: Has no actual military experience. Since this has, so far, not been a handicap in this administration, it presents no real difficulty.
Chances: Low. His current job pays much better. And he doesn't have to deal with a bunch of people who speak funny languages.
Tom Cruise
Occupation: Serial Wacko
Current Residence: In Hiding
Pros: For too many years, Muslims around the world have protested that this whole Iraq affair is nothing more than a Christian attempt to bring their religion into the Middle East by force. Well, we can change that. We can put the controls to the Iraqi war in the hands of someone who is a fervent adherent to a religion that is so batshit insane that nobody can take it seriously. I mean, think about it. Operating Thetans? Xenu and hydrogen bombs in volcanoes? Not even a bunch of bearded Islamic scholars can talk about being converted to that with a straight face.
Cons: Tom Cruise is totally, absolutely, and completely batshit insane. He might do something very politically inconvenient, like get a couple thousand troops killed, or, even worse, say something unflattering about the President.
Chances: Low. He needs to stay in the US until they finish programming his new OT module.
Harry Potter
Occupation: Student
Current Residence: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Pros: There comes a time when we need a leader, not another political ass-coverer, but a popular, dynamic, and well-loved individual who is capable of getting his hands dirty, confronting evil, and, if necessary, speaking in ALL CAPS. Enter Harry Potter, boy wizard extraordinaire, champion of good, and heartthrob to thousand of fangirls (and some fanboys) across the world. Mr. Potter may still be in school, but if he emerges intact from his final year, he'll be the perfect candidate to take over the war in Iraq. Not only has he saved the entire magical world from the deadly peril of Lord Voldemort, but he has also saved the publishing industry from despair. There's no way a few insurgents can stop him.
Cons: First, he's British. Second, he's too young. And third, he seems to have some strange moral qualm about being used by politicians.
Chances: Low. We can't even find him, let alone appoint him to head the war effort.
Lex Luthor
Occupation: Evil Genius
Current Residence: Metropolis
Pros: If there were a man tailor-made for the job, it's noted genius Lex Luthor. Mr. Luthor is a well-respected businessman with widespread commercial interests across the globe, an expert manager, and able to turn a profit, all traits necessary to function in this administration. Additionally, he also has a large amount of experience commanding quasi-military organizations, and in executing military maneuvers. An expert at manipulating, backstabbing, and getting the most out of every dollar that passes his desk, Luthor is ideal for the job.
Cons: Luthor is, at heart, an evil mastermind bent on worldwide domination. In this manner he may be too close in personality to Dick Cheney, causing inner strife in the White House.
Chances: High. Luthor, it is rumored, desires the position as a stepping stone to becoming President himself. In that case, it's unlikely that anybody will stand in his way for long.
Darth Vader
Occupation: Dark Lord of the Sith
Current Residence: Coruscant
Pros: A dynamic, imposing figure, Vader is an obvious choice for position of War Czar. His experience as a leader in the Clone Wars, and subsequently leading a major military force during the Galactic Civil War gives him impeccable credentials. As a political leader during this turbulent time, his unique style of diplomatic negotiations brought many potential adversaries to a cessation of hostilities. Rumored to be nearly immune to physical assault, he is indeed a formidable person to place in the midst of the bomb blasts of Baghdad.
Cons: He keeps talking about faith, usually in terms of how much other people lack. Also, ever since his son redeemed him from evil, he's been kind of a wuss.
Chances: Moderate. His name has been floated often, but he always responds with some garbage about "teaching your pathetic nation the true power of the Dark Side". If he doesn't make it as War Czar, the President may make him the Press Secretary.
Jesus Christ
Occupation: Messiah
Current Residence: Varies. Temporarily in Darfur.
Pros: The Prince of Peace, the Son of God, Jesus Christ is so popular and divinely charismatic that there's even a religion based on him. He's known to have performed many miracles during his time on this Earth, including raising the dead, turning water into wine, and managing to order pizza for twenty-three people at the same time without having them argue over the toppings. His presence is so divinely magnificent, it's almost guaranteed that he can get the many ethnic, religious, and political groups in Iraq to start talking to each other.
Cons: He's into that communist, hippie "Love Thy Neighbor" bullshit.
Chances: Low. He has repeatedly snubbed the Administration, reportedly being too busy ministering to the sick, the poor, and the needy to respond to their queries. Yeah, as if anybody ever does that in this day and age.