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So now that we Americans have celebrated the feast of gluttony, it's time to establish a new American tradition, namely working that off.
So here's a quick diet and exercise plan that I'm thinking of patenting. I guarantee, just one day of exercise and all of that extra weight will be gone. In fact, you may get a better workout than you've ever had before. And it only uses what nature provided for us!
Breakfast: You've managed to survive the holidays, so celebrate with a nice ham-and-cheese omlette and a side of waffles. We'll work that all off in a moment.
Warm-up: Do a few quick leg stretches just to make sure that you're not running tense. We'll do more once we're warmed up.
Active warm-up: Take a nice quick jog down your street. Note calming images of nature, birds chirping in trees (or not if they've already left), evergreens shaking in the wind, and the dog running up the street after you. Light jog for one mile.
Stamina exercise: Note that the animal following you is not a dog, but is a rather large bear. Light run next one mile.
Stamina exercise: Note that bear is foaming at the mouth and looks rather irritated. Run faster, next two miles.
Arm-and-leg workout: Climb nearby tree to escape from bear.
Coordination exercise: Bears can climb trees dipshit. Jump onto roof to avoid being eaten by bear.
Calf workout: Leap from rooftop to rooftop in an attempt to stay ahead of the galloping bear. This should last for as long as the pain from your heaving lungs is less than that of being savagely eviscerated by a 1500 pound animal.
Coordination exercise: Watch bear fall through skylight. Get several more streets away and then jump down, landing in backyard pool to remove scent.
Aerobic exercise: Ah! Shark! Swim for the edge to avoid a repeat of a scene from Jaws
Quick break: Lay panting on the edge of the pool for several minutes to regain your breath.
Aerobic exercise: As you leave the yard, trip and fall on top of a badger. Once badger is sufficiently angry attempt to leave yard with absolute minimum of blood loss.
Weight exercise: Badger seems disinclined to let go. Run to nearest swimming pool with angry mammal attached to your back. Dive in to remove.
Quad exercise: As you are leaving this yard, you step on a weasel, who immediately shoots straight up. Attempt to remove weasel from trousers with minimal damage.
Stamina exercise: Bears again. Sprint uphill next three miles.
Coordination exercise: Screw this running crap. Steal a car, hopefully one with the keys still in the ignition, and drive like hell.
Coordination exercise: There are mother*#$%ing snakes in the mother@$*&ing car! Hit the seat belt release, detach the boa constrictor, open the door and do a diving roll onto the side curve.
Weight exercise: You've landed on a badger's set. Exercise as before, but now there are two badgers hanging from your arms, and a boa constrictor around your waste.
Aerobic exercise: Once you've detached the badgers, attempt to stay away from them for at least five minutes.
Stamina exercise: It's a polar bear this time. Run faster next three miles.
Quick break: You've lost the polar bear. Time to find another car. Take some deep breaths while you do so.
Aerobic exercise: Ah! Killer bees in the car! Find the nearest pool and hide under it until the bees go away. Beware of pools containing sharks.
Stamina exercise: Those damn badgers are back. Outrun them on the way home and slam the door.
Lunch: If you've timed things right, it should be about lunchtime. Have a quick snack with whatever's in the fridge.
Afternoon drill: There appears to be a large Siberian Tiger in your bathroom. Attempt to make it to dinner without becoming dinner.
Trust me, a few days like this and you'll be as fit as you've ever been, possibly with the aid of a mortician. So, am I sitting on a goldmine new exercise method or what?
So here's a quick diet and exercise plan that I'm thinking of patenting. I guarantee, just one day of exercise and all of that extra weight will be gone. In fact, you may get a better workout than you've ever had before. And it only uses what nature provided for us!
Breakfast: You've managed to survive the holidays, so celebrate with a nice ham-and-cheese omlette and a side of waffles. We'll work that all off in a moment.
Warm-up: Do a few quick leg stretches just to make sure that you're not running tense. We'll do more once we're warmed up.
Active warm-up: Take a nice quick jog down your street. Note calming images of nature, birds chirping in trees (or not if they've already left), evergreens shaking in the wind, and the dog running up the street after you. Light jog for one mile.
Stamina exercise: Note that the animal following you is not a dog, but is a rather large bear. Light run next one mile.
Stamina exercise: Note that bear is foaming at the mouth and looks rather irritated. Run faster, next two miles.
Arm-and-leg workout: Climb nearby tree to escape from bear.
Coordination exercise: Bears can climb trees dipshit. Jump onto roof to avoid being eaten by bear.
Calf workout: Leap from rooftop to rooftop in an attempt to stay ahead of the galloping bear. This should last for as long as the pain from your heaving lungs is less than that of being savagely eviscerated by a 1500 pound animal.
Coordination exercise: Watch bear fall through skylight. Get several more streets away and then jump down, landing in backyard pool to remove scent.
Aerobic exercise: Ah! Shark! Swim for the edge to avoid a repeat of a scene from Jaws
Quick break: Lay panting on the edge of the pool for several minutes to regain your breath.
Aerobic exercise: As you leave the yard, trip and fall on top of a badger. Once badger is sufficiently angry attempt to leave yard with absolute minimum of blood loss.
Weight exercise: Badger seems disinclined to let go. Run to nearest swimming pool with angry mammal attached to your back. Dive in to remove.
Quad exercise: As you are leaving this yard, you step on a weasel, who immediately shoots straight up. Attempt to remove weasel from trousers with minimal damage.
Stamina exercise: Bears again. Sprint uphill next three miles.
Coordination exercise: Screw this running crap. Steal a car, hopefully one with the keys still in the ignition, and drive like hell.
Coordination exercise: There are mother*#$%ing snakes in the mother@$*&ing car! Hit the seat belt release, detach the boa constrictor, open the door and do a diving roll onto the side curve.
Weight exercise: You've landed on a badger's set. Exercise as before, but now there are two badgers hanging from your arms, and a boa constrictor around your waste.
Aerobic exercise: Once you've detached the badgers, attempt to stay away from them for at least five minutes.
Stamina exercise: It's a polar bear this time. Run faster next three miles.
Quick break: You've lost the polar bear. Time to find another car. Take some deep breaths while you do so.
Aerobic exercise: Ah! Killer bees in the car! Find the nearest pool and hide under it until the bees go away. Beware of pools containing sharks.
Stamina exercise: Those damn badgers are back. Outrun them on the way home and slam the door.
Lunch: If you've timed things right, it should be about lunchtime. Have a quick snack with whatever's in the fridge.
Afternoon drill: There appears to be a large Siberian Tiger in your bathroom. Attempt to make it to dinner without becoming dinner.
Trust me, a few days like this and you'll be as fit as you've ever been, possibly with the aid of a mortician. So, am I sitting on a goldmine new exercise method or what?