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Crazy Religious People
In which danAlwyn is a total bastard.
This is a total complete of time, and it's religiously offensive to boot (for some). Don't say I didn't warn you:
Radical Islam, as a unified political movement encompassing the entire Islamic sphere, has always been concerned with their strategic standing versus the Christian religion. Whereas they see the Muslim countries as part of an overall Muslim world, they also see the “Christian” countries as part of global conglomerate, and that conflict between the two parties is both natural and inevitable. With that in mind, they have focused quite clearly on attempts to keep a strategic balance of power between themselves and their Christian competitors.
In religious terms, radical Islam found itself fairly equal with its competitors in radical western Christianity for many years, until the end of World War II and the growing “internationalization” of the world, a process later merged into globalization. During this time, Islam was made increasingly aware of the variety of methods that Christianity could employ in enforcement of their strategic advantage, and the way they developed their resources. Especially worrying for radical Islamicists was the increasing gap between Islam and Christianity in the strategically important Fucktards per Capita (FPC) ratio.
“Radical Islam was thinking too small at the time,” says Benjamin Dover, a noted expert in the history of fucktard development, “They were unaware of the possibilities of a unified education system and cross-country communication. While they were assembling small bodies of like-minded asshats, universities in the United States had entire programs that were focused on churning out fucktards as fast as they could be put through the assembly line. Combined with the power of mass communications, they appeared unstoppable.”
The advantages of Christianity became apparent with the 1960s perfection of Oral Roberts, who later went on to found a hospital that was to become abandoned and possibly squander millions of dollars under the direct orders of God.
“You have to understand, this was a different time,” Steve O'Dore, one of the men who worked on the Oral Roberts development project, told us during an interview, “Christian evangelicals weren't thinking in terms of Muslims and Christians. We were thinking in terms of human beings and communists. We had to stop those fascist state-sponsored atheists from taking over the world. They had all the advantages, menacing accents, a state-written ideology that made absolutely no sense, bad suits, and the ability to massacre thousands of people at a whim. We lacked those human resources. Instead, we had to focus on producing a weapon so atrociously stupid and offensive that even being in the same room with him might cause your brain to melt.”
When asked about whether moral ramifications ever came into play, Mr. O'Dore had only this to say, "Who would've objected? This was the nation that created the Brady Bunch, remember?"
It was a threatening time for Islamicists, says Middle Eastern Studies expert Jen E. Rall. “See things from their point of view. By the late 1960s, even with determined opposition from hippies, radicals, and homegrown mellowed kids, the Religious Right in the US was creating fucktards, asshats, conspiracy theorists, and door-to-door evangelists at a rate that radical Islam could not hope to match. They were overmatched in every area by numbers alone. Then, when you consider the fact that Oral Roberts was such a fucktard that he asked for eight million dollars to keep God from killing him, and that people actually sent him money, you can see why Islamicists felt that they were simply being overwhelmed by the West. They simply could not compete.”
While American-produced fucktards waged a long and bitter war with Soviet fucktards over who could say the most stupid ideological statements in a row, radical Islam underwent a complete overhaul. During the 1970s, while the major western superpowers went through a period of withdrawal and economic difficulties, and bolstered by growing oil wealth, development continued on a number of secret projects that Islamicists hoped would turn the fucktard race decisively in their favor.
American conservatism of the 1980s threatened to put a damper on radical Islam forever. The Religious Right, now come into their own, alongside the Reagan administration was putting the final touches on a new line of televangelists, who would have the capability to project their fucktard abilities into people's homes directly into the minds of the largest television audience to date. New advances in cranial reinforcement had made the latest generation fucktards completely impervious to logic, and tweaks to the system software had resulted in a solution for the traditional “red-faced screaming preacher” problem. Soon, it seemed, a new army of American fucktards would overcome the ailing Soviets and conquer the world. Islamic radicalism took another hit when Reagan forced the Iranian revolutionaries to back down on the Iranian hostage crisis by threatening to deploy Jerry Falwell to Iran.
But soon after, radical Islam unveiled their newest product. Born out of the fires of conflict, the forces of radical Islam had taken a radically different approach to the problem than their western counterparts, resulting in an entirely new take on modern religious fucktards. After many years mastering technical problems in mass production, Islamicists began rolling out the new Suicide Bomber Fucktard (SBF).
“Suicide Bombers were a major step forward, almost an unprecedented step, for fucktard technology,” Benjamin Dover says. “They had managed to demonstrate that application of violence could overcome any lack of finesse when it came to producing grade-A asshats. The advance was so monumental, it's still difficult to comprehend. A Suicide Bomber Fucktard will set himself off in the middle of a park, wasting a dozen of his neighbors's kids, in order to inflict second degree burns on a passing Israeli tourist. The sheer idiocy of this is on a scale that's nearly unmeasurable. The only problem was that you really couldn't use them more than once.”
The explosion in SBFs caused a dramatic shift in the strategic fucktard balance, as Islamicists were now able to demonstrate their grasp of the art of idiocy in a dozen fields. Quickly they rolled out with new models, from Marketplace Terrorist Fucktard, to Bus Bomber Fucktard, to Random Crazy Homeless Guy (sometimes known as Crazy Ali) Fucktard. At one point they even made an offer to Coleco to branch into Cabbage Patch Kids, although this offer was never fully pursued by either side. With their cheap, easy construction and operating instructions, SBFs seemed to cement radical Islam as the power to beat.
But fundamental evangelicals in the United States were not about to wait around. Engineers had been working around the clock on a new model that could possibly turn the tide back in their favor, ironing out the bugs and increasing the sheer level of incredulity beyond anything that had so far been tried. Their results met with unqualified success, and in 1986 Pat Robertson announced he was running for President.
It was the ambitious peak of an ambitious program. As noted expert and AIM all-around know-it-all ipwnzerj00 says, “OMGWTF! i meen serously. WTF were tehy smoking!!eleventy”
In the same chat session, political strategist MoreStrategyThanTheDemocrats concurred, “What Pat Robertson was is an excellent use of the relative strength of the Western approach to fucktard construction. Where Islamicists believed that their pure violence model would be enough to shock the world into acknowledging their overall asshat superiority, they neglected the fact that once the shock wore off, they would soon be relegated to page 17 of the New York Times. In contrast, the Christian fundamentalist strategy was based on accumulation of money and financial power as opposed to simply showy displays of idiocy, allowing future acts of asshatery superior to those displayed today. After all, money talks, but suicide bombers just blow shit up.”
From there, a new arms raced developed. Radical Muslims worked day and night on perfecting new and more violent line of fucktards, in the hope that an explosion of violence would allow them to regain their center stage position, and force Christianity to acknowledge their superiority. In return, Fundamentalist Christians began production on a new line of sleazy politicians, using religious morals and shady business practices to get them in positions they were not competent enough to handle in the hopes of demonstrating not only their primacy in the idiocy race, but also the complete incompetence of the electorate. Islamicists rolled out with their popular Terrorist Mastermind Fucktard, and their recent surprise success, the Cartoonist Jihadist Fucktard. Both models, widely distributed, have given them a solid boost in popularity.
Many though claim that the United States is still in the lead in the Fucktard race. As Senior Director Ivy Fallindown of the Center for Strategic Surveys says, "The Fundamentalist strategy has really paid off in recent years. Where a terrorist type fucktard can create a great disturbance at one time, they spend most of their time either in hiding, or in very small pieces. In contrast, Christian Fundy fucktards are active all the time, always in the public eye. It shows a great deal that even after all these years, Jerry Falwell is still an effective fucktard for the Religious Right. An even better example is the recent upgrading of Pat Robertson yet again into the new Assassin of God model."
When asked about America's long-term standing in the fucktard race, Ms. Fallindown had this to say, "There is no contest. America will be the dominant force in the conventional fucktard race for many years. This is not only due to their mass media control, but also to the development of fucktards that are too powerful to use except in dire circumstances, the threat of whose employ keeps other nations at bay. Specifically we're speaking about the development project that almost got the US thrown out of the United Nations, the development of Fred Phelps."
While Fred Phelps is considered by many as the ultimate Fucktard, others consider him a product of a cold war mindset, unable to meet the needs of today's fast paced world. To evidence this, they point to the increasing media isolation of Mr. Phelps, as well as the development of fast-paced suicide bomber models who may be superior in the grand scale to him. Future US fucktard development remains tightly under wraps, although it is rumored that known fucktard Michael Brown might have had some relation to a former project.
As we look into the future of the twenty-first century one thing is clear, the development of fucktards, including the rumored Fucktards of Mass Destruction, will dominate competition between the world's largest religions for some time to come. Already their current products dominate the world stage.
Mr. Dover had this to conclude with, “Both US President George 'Dubya' Bush and terrorist Osama 'Whiskers' bin Laden are the pinnacle of their respective technologies. In a way, they kind of deserve each other.”
This is a total complete of time, and it's religiously offensive to boot (for some). Don't say I didn't warn you:
Radical Islam, as a unified political movement encompassing the entire Islamic sphere, has always been concerned with their strategic standing versus the Christian religion. Whereas they see the Muslim countries as part of an overall Muslim world, they also see the “Christian” countries as part of global conglomerate, and that conflict between the two parties is both natural and inevitable. With that in mind, they have focused quite clearly on attempts to keep a strategic balance of power between themselves and their Christian competitors.
In religious terms, radical Islam found itself fairly equal with its competitors in radical western Christianity for many years, until the end of World War II and the growing “internationalization” of the world, a process later merged into globalization. During this time, Islam was made increasingly aware of the variety of methods that Christianity could employ in enforcement of their strategic advantage, and the way they developed their resources. Especially worrying for radical Islamicists was the increasing gap between Islam and Christianity in the strategically important Fucktards per Capita (FPC) ratio.
“Radical Islam was thinking too small at the time,” says Benjamin Dover, a noted expert in the history of fucktard development, “They were unaware of the possibilities of a unified education system and cross-country communication. While they were assembling small bodies of like-minded asshats, universities in the United States had entire programs that were focused on churning out fucktards as fast as they could be put through the assembly line. Combined with the power of mass communications, they appeared unstoppable.”
The advantages of Christianity became apparent with the 1960s perfection of Oral Roberts, who later went on to found a hospital that was to become abandoned and possibly squander millions of dollars under the direct orders of God.
“You have to understand, this was a different time,” Steve O'Dore, one of the men who worked on the Oral Roberts development project, told us during an interview, “Christian evangelicals weren't thinking in terms of Muslims and Christians. We were thinking in terms of human beings and communists. We had to stop those fascist state-sponsored atheists from taking over the world. They had all the advantages, menacing accents, a state-written ideology that made absolutely no sense, bad suits, and the ability to massacre thousands of people at a whim. We lacked those human resources. Instead, we had to focus on producing a weapon so atrociously stupid and offensive that even being in the same room with him might cause your brain to melt.”
When asked about whether moral ramifications ever came into play, Mr. O'Dore had only this to say, "Who would've objected? This was the nation that created the Brady Bunch, remember?"
It was a threatening time for Islamicists, says Middle Eastern Studies expert Jen E. Rall. “See things from their point of view. By the late 1960s, even with determined opposition from hippies, radicals, and homegrown mellowed kids, the Religious Right in the US was creating fucktards, asshats, conspiracy theorists, and door-to-door evangelists at a rate that radical Islam could not hope to match. They were overmatched in every area by numbers alone. Then, when you consider the fact that Oral Roberts was such a fucktard that he asked for eight million dollars to keep God from killing him, and that people actually sent him money, you can see why Islamicists felt that they were simply being overwhelmed by the West. They simply could not compete.”
While American-produced fucktards waged a long and bitter war with Soviet fucktards over who could say the most stupid ideological statements in a row, radical Islam underwent a complete overhaul. During the 1970s, while the major western superpowers went through a period of withdrawal and economic difficulties, and bolstered by growing oil wealth, development continued on a number of secret projects that Islamicists hoped would turn the fucktard race decisively in their favor.
American conservatism of the 1980s threatened to put a damper on radical Islam forever. The Religious Right, now come into their own, alongside the Reagan administration was putting the final touches on a new line of televangelists, who would have the capability to project their fucktard abilities into people's homes directly into the minds of the largest television audience to date. New advances in cranial reinforcement had made the latest generation fucktards completely impervious to logic, and tweaks to the system software had resulted in a solution for the traditional “red-faced screaming preacher” problem. Soon, it seemed, a new army of American fucktards would overcome the ailing Soviets and conquer the world. Islamic radicalism took another hit when Reagan forced the Iranian revolutionaries to back down on the Iranian hostage crisis by threatening to deploy Jerry Falwell to Iran.
But soon after, radical Islam unveiled their newest product. Born out of the fires of conflict, the forces of radical Islam had taken a radically different approach to the problem than their western counterparts, resulting in an entirely new take on modern religious fucktards. After many years mastering technical problems in mass production, Islamicists began rolling out the new Suicide Bomber Fucktard (SBF).
“Suicide Bombers were a major step forward, almost an unprecedented step, for fucktard technology,” Benjamin Dover says. “They had managed to demonstrate that application of violence could overcome any lack of finesse when it came to producing grade-A asshats. The advance was so monumental, it's still difficult to comprehend. A Suicide Bomber Fucktard will set himself off in the middle of a park, wasting a dozen of his neighbors's kids, in order to inflict second degree burns on a passing Israeli tourist. The sheer idiocy of this is on a scale that's nearly unmeasurable. The only problem was that you really couldn't use them more than once.”
The explosion in SBFs caused a dramatic shift in the strategic fucktard balance, as Islamicists were now able to demonstrate their grasp of the art of idiocy in a dozen fields. Quickly they rolled out with new models, from Marketplace Terrorist Fucktard, to Bus Bomber Fucktard, to Random Crazy Homeless Guy (sometimes known as Crazy Ali) Fucktard. At one point they even made an offer to Coleco to branch into Cabbage Patch Kids, although this offer was never fully pursued by either side. With their cheap, easy construction and operating instructions, SBFs seemed to cement radical Islam as the power to beat.
But fundamental evangelicals in the United States were not about to wait around. Engineers had been working around the clock on a new model that could possibly turn the tide back in their favor, ironing out the bugs and increasing the sheer level of incredulity beyond anything that had so far been tried. Their results met with unqualified success, and in 1986 Pat Robertson announced he was running for President.
It was the ambitious peak of an ambitious program. As noted expert and AIM all-around know-it-all ipwnzerj00 says, “OMGWTF! i meen serously. WTF were tehy smoking!!eleventy”
In the same chat session, political strategist MoreStrategyThanTheDemocrats concurred, “What Pat Robertson was is an excellent use of the relative strength of the Western approach to fucktard construction. Where Islamicists believed that their pure violence model would be enough to shock the world into acknowledging their overall asshat superiority, they neglected the fact that once the shock wore off, they would soon be relegated to page 17 of the New York Times. In contrast, the Christian fundamentalist strategy was based on accumulation of money and financial power as opposed to simply showy displays of idiocy, allowing future acts of asshatery superior to those displayed today. After all, money talks, but suicide bombers just blow shit up.”
From there, a new arms raced developed. Radical Muslims worked day and night on perfecting new and more violent line of fucktards, in the hope that an explosion of violence would allow them to regain their center stage position, and force Christianity to acknowledge their superiority. In return, Fundamentalist Christians began production on a new line of sleazy politicians, using religious morals and shady business practices to get them in positions they were not competent enough to handle in the hopes of demonstrating not only their primacy in the idiocy race, but also the complete incompetence of the electorate. Islamicists rolled out with their popular Terrorist Mastermind Fucktard, and their recent surprise success, the Cartoonist Jihadist Fucktard. Both models, widely distributed, have given them a solid boost in popularity.
Many though claim that the United States is still in the lead in the Fucktard race. As Senior Director Ivy Fallindown of the Center for Strategic Surveys says, "The Fundamentalist strategy has really paid off in recent years. Where a terrorist type fucktard can create a great disturbance at one time, they spend most of their time either in hiding, or in very small pieces. In contrast, Christian Fundy fucktards are active all the time, always in the public eye. It shows a great deal that even after all these years, Jerry Falwell is still an effective fucktard for the Religious Right. An even better example is the recent upgrading of Pat Robertson yet again into the new Assassin of God model."
When asked about America's long-term standing in the fucktard race, Ms. Fallindown had this to say, "There is no contest. America will be the dominant force in the conventional fucktard race for many years. This is not only due to their mass media control, but also to the development of fucktards that are too powerful to use except in dire circumstances, the threat of whose employ keeps other nations at bay. Specifically we're speaking about the development project that almost got the US thrown out of the United Nations, the development of Fred Phelps."
While Fred Phelps is considered by many as the ultimate Fucktard, others consider him a product of a cold war mindset, unable to meet the needs of today's fast paced world. To evidence this, they point to the increasing media isolation of Mr. Phelps, as well as the development of fast-paced suicide bomber models who may be superior in the grand scale to him. Future US fucktard development remains tightly under wraps, although it is rumored that known fucktard Michael Brown might have had some relation to a former project.
As we look into the future of the twenty-first century one thing is clear, the development of fucktards, including the rumored Fucktards of Mass Destruction, will dominate competition between the world's largest religions for some time to come. Already their current products dominate the world stage.
Mr. Dover had this to conclude with, “Both US President George 'Dubya' Bush and terrorist Osama 'Whiskers' bin Laden are the pinnacle of their respective technologies. In a way, they kind of deserve each other.”