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To Syria
So, Obama has as good as admitted that the US is sending covert aid to Syrian rebels. Well, with the complex situation in Syria, it surely must occur to us that maybe it's not quite the best idea we've ever heard of to send a bunch of weapons to a bunch of people we don't even know on a first name basis. So, what are we sending? Here are some possibilities:
1) It's Mitt Romney's tax returns
C'mon, you know Obama's got 'em and has probably read them over already, probably with tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks at all the deductions Mitt took. If I were him, I would send copies of them to everyone I knew but didn't like, along with a photocopied version of the Presidential paycheck. Probably with a note attached saying "Hey, this guy is loaded. Bother him, not me".
2) It's forty thousand football hooligans
The Olympics have been astonishingly well behaved. This confuses many people. After all, London is in England, and England invented football hooliganism (okay, the invention is somewhat disputed, after all, the Scots aren't exactly happy to let England have credit for this). How did that happen, people wonder. Well, it's quite possible that the same kind of people who go wild over their favorite football team might not warm up quite so well to the many and varied sports of the Olympics with their sky-high ticket prices and all these blokes with guns at the gate. But another, most sinister thought is that the British authorities have lumped all the hooligans together and locked them up. And if they've got all those hooligans in a box, why not drop them on Syria, both as a measure to introduce panic among government forces, and as a warning that the US has an entire legion of, God forbid, Cubs fans, that they could unleash on the unsuspecting people of Syria. That would scare the hell out of me.
3) It's the property deeds to San Bernadino, CA
After San Bernadino went bankrupt, you can bet what the auditors found (or are going to find) is a whole bunch of property that is now worth approximately 1% of what it was last sold (and still mortgaged) for. In monopoly money. And we can't figure out what it's worth, or find anyone to buy it. Well, there's nothing to do with it now but to smuggle it into the offices of some poor third world dictator we don't like, and let him try to tear his hair out trying to figure how much it's worth. Assad seems a perfect candidate for this. Not like it's the first time we've given someone things of randomly determined value. After all, Canada has an entire course for their diplomatic staff where they learn how to trade favors from foreign countries for the right to poach all of Canada's extant penguin population. (Bonus points: If Assad uses the deeds, he's living in San Bernadino. Joke's on him!)
4) It's a thousand gift certificates to Chick-fil-A
Given that people basically try and pay their taxes in everything from live chickens to teenage brides, someone's probably paid the IRS entirely in Chick-fil-A gift certificates. I mean, you know the IRS has a drawer somewhere full of junk like this. And, who wants to eat there anymore? Since Obama's not getting any money out of Chick-fil-A for this campaign, he might as well just clear out the drawer and send it all to the rebels. A bunch of pictures of happy, ski-masked, gun-totting, bomb-making Muslims chowing down on Chick-fil-A will probably do wonders among their core market, won't it?
5) It's Paul Watson
The founder and head of the Sea Shepherds is no stranger to starting international incidents. Now that he's fled bail and has an interpol warrant on his head, there's no telling where he's likely to end up. Well, if I were the US, I would see if I could find some way to stick him in a box and ship him off to some country we don't like. Maybe his talent for causing international incidents to draw attention to a cause will come in handy. Or maybe it will just start WWIII. Who knows?
6) It's Jesus
We tried to let that guy into our heart, but he keeps going on and on about caring for the poor and prisoners and a lot of liberal hippie stuff and he just wouldn't shut up. Like he doesn't understand that aristocratic capitalism is God's chosen way. Anyway, we couldn't shut up his ravings, so we're sending him back to the Middle East. Go back to where you came from, commie bastard!
7) It's Donald Trump's dignity
Look, just because you can't remember him having it doesn't mean he never had it. It's got to be somewhere, right?
8) It's the Chinese badminton team
Well, they aren't going home, are they? Even Syria's got to be better than the welcome they'll face in Beijing for voiding two Olympic medals.
1) It's Mitt Romney's tax returns
C'mon, you know Obama's got 'em and has probably read them over already, probably with tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks at all the deductions Mitt took. If I were him, I would send copies of them to everyone I knew but didn't like, along with a photocopied version of the Presidential paycheck. Probably with a note attached saying "Hey, this guy is loaded. Bother him, not me".
2) It's forty thousand football hooligans
The Olympics have been astonishingly well behaved. This confuses many people. After all, London is in England, and England invented football hooliganism (okay, the invention is somewhat disputed, after all, the Scots aren't exactly happy to let England have credit for this). How did that happen, people wonder. Well, it's quite possible that the same kind of people who go wild over their favorite football team might not warm up quite so well to the many and varied sports of the Olympics with their sky-high ticket prices and all these blokes with guns at the gate. But another, most sinister thought is that the British authorities have lumped all the hooligans together and locked them up. And if they've got all those hooligans in a box, why not drop them on Syria, both as a measure to introduce panic among government forces, and as a warning that the US has an entire legion of, God forbid, Cubs fans, that they could unleash on the unsuspecting people of Syria. That would scare the hell out of me.
3) It's the property deeds to San Bernadino, CA
After San Bernadino went bankrupt, you can bet what the auditors found (or are going to find) is a whole bunch of property that is now worth approximately 1% of what it was last sold (and still mortgaged) for. In monopoly money. And we can't figure out what it's worth, or find anyone to buy it. Well, there's nothing to do with it now but to smuggle it into the offices of some poor third world dictator we don't like, and let him try to tear his hair out trying to figure how much it's worth. Assad seems a perfect candidate for this. Not like it's the first time we've given someone things of randomly determined value. After all, Canada has an entire course for their diplomatic staff where they learn how to trade favors from foreign countries for the right to poach all of Canada's extant penguin population. (Bonus points: If Assad uses the deeds, he's living in San Bernadino. Joke's on him!)
4) It's a thousand gift certificates to Chick-fil-A
Given that people basically try and pay their taxes in everything from live chickens to teenage brides, someone's probably paid the IRS entirely in Chick-fil-A gift certificates. I mean, you know the IRS has a drawer somewhere full of junk like this. And, who wants to eat there anymore? Since Obama's not getting any money out of Chick-fil-A for this campaign, he might as well just clear out the drawer and send it all to the rebels. A bunch of pictures of happy, ski-masked, gun-totting, bomb-making Muslims chowing down on Chick-fil-A will probably do wonders among their core market, won't it?
5) It's Paul Watson
The founder and head of the Sea Shepherds is no stranger to starting international incidents. Now that he's fled bail and has an interpol warrant on his head, there's no telling where he's likely to end up. Well, if I were the US, I would see if I could find some way to stick him in a box and ship him off to some country we don't like. Maybe his talent for causing international incidents to draw attention to a cause will come in handy. Or maybe it will just start WWIII. Who knows?
6) It's Jesus
We tried to let that guy into our heart, but he keeps going on and on about caring for the poor and prisoners and a lot of liberal hippie stuff and he just wouldn't shut up. Like he doesn't understand that aristocratic capitalism is God's chosen way. Anyway, we couldn't shut up his ravings, so we're sending him back to the Middle East. Go back to where you came from, commie bastard!
7) It's Donald Trump's dignity
Look, just because you can't remember him having it doesn't mean he never had it. It's got to be somewhere, right?
8) It's the Chinese badminton team
Well, they aren't going home, are they? Even Syria's got to be better than the welcome they'll face in Beijing for voiding two Olympic medals.